Friday, February 29, 2008

Is Jillian Michaels a Lesbian?

This question is asked a lot by many people around the world. I find when my site meter shows a visitor from a very odd place they are usually asking this question and even more oddly quite regularly on a Tuesday night this question peaks on my keyword analysis.

I have now decided that Jillian Michaels definitely is a lesbian and I back my claim with the following evidence.

  • She is never seen in public with a male escort or any escort, very much in the style of Jodie Foster, and keeps her personal life extremely private.
  • She opened a gym with very publicly out Jackie Warner.
  • She turned up on the current series of Biggest Loser in full leathers on a HUUUGE motorbike

But the most compelling evidence of all which finally made up my mind, is.........last night on The Biggest Loser she wore a fluffy lined denim jacket EXACTLY the same as the one my girlfriend wears.

Now, my girlfriend is the epitome of androgynous soft butch lesbian, with muscles the same as Jillian's ( I would put up a picture of my girlfriend but she would probably beat me up, swoon). So if any woman wears the same clothes that my girlfriend wears then she's definitely a dyke.

Thursday, February 28, 2008

Creepy? Not Creepy?

On Saturday morning I wandered off down the hill the get some coffees from the best coffee shop in the world, a fairly regular weekend activity, get coffee, catch up on local gossip with the regulars, visit the library, avoid the lovely pastries calling to me from the Greek cafe.

When I was part way down the hill I felt someone walking alongside me, so I turned and looked then moved so he could pass me, however instead of passing he started to talk, well beg really. He asked me out on a date.

"I would like to take you out", he said "I've seen you around a lot and I'd like to take you out for a coffee".

I very nicely said thank you to him and explained that I lived with a woman. "Oh", he said, "is that how you are?".

Doh! I refrained from saying, but instead told him that predominantly yes and most definitely yes at this point in time.

"But I would still like to take you out", he said, "maybe a movie or for a drink sometime".

Again I politely thanked him for asking but declined his kind offer, then carried on my coffee mission laughing to myself thinking I may be old, but I can still pull! I told coffee boy and girl the story which they thought was hilarious and made references to barking and incorrect trees.

When I started the walk home I found myself taking a different route so as to avoid the section of road where he stopped me, and later when I went for a run I again avoided that section of the street. This is the street that I live in.

Now I have found over the intervening days that I am on the alert whenever I'm doing things in my lovely city fringe suburb, looking out for someone watching me. To start with I thought it was amusing and how very brave he was to ask a stranger out, but now I'm having slightly creepy thoughts.

Your thoughts readers?

Monday, February 25, 2008

Icelandic ramblings

I've just been having a wee look at my ever so intriguing site meter stats, something I'm getting quite obsessed with, lovely little word and number statistics that keep changing. Gosh I'd better watch out or the next thing you know I'll be asking Mr Farrar for a job. However, I digress.

I see that I had a reader yesterday from Reykjavik in Iceland. (it's ok, I won't tell that your were searching on "lesbian wet dreams"). As you know I have a wee soft spot for Iceland and a few things Iceblock, so I've decided to honour my new reader by giving them a competition.

Please go and look at this post and see if you can guess what fjord I'm standing in. Your prize? Well lets see if you can guess the fjord first........

Thursday, February 21, 2008

The email that wasn't sent.

Dear dumbfuckpropertymanagementltd,

Please find attached a copy of my bank statement covering the period 11 August 2006 which shows that the automatic payment for my rent went into your account as usual. Will you please contact your bank and let me know why you allegedly haven't received this.

I must say I am totally gobsmacked that you have never contacted me about this alleged non payment, and that I only found out by accident when I contacted you on another matter. May I remind you that it is your duty and obligation under the act to keep accurate records of tenants rent payments, and if a non payment occurs it is also your duty to take all steps to recover the money within a reasonable time, and to advise the tenant of this, not let them find out inadvertantly 18 months later. Oh, but property management is your business so I shouldn't need to quote the relevant sections of the act to you, however you may wish to have a quick glance at sections 29 and 30 of the Tenancy Act 1986.

I also wonder at the state of your accounting systems. Yes, I know I never completed my Business Studies degree, but goodness balancing a ledger to a bank statement really is kindergarten grade accounting. I'm now wondering who's rent ledger has benefited from my payment.

As you know, I took the time to create a spreadsheet for you to match to your ledger to make it easier for you to find your mistake, and your response to that was to ring me and ask "what it is again that I am looking for?" I have also had to incur expenses getting bank statements from an account that has been closed for over a year.

I would like you to treat this matter with some urgency, but history shows me that no matter how many flags, red exclamation marks or any other bells and whistles that I attach to this email, you will probably not respond in less than a week. So yet again I have set my calendar to go bing in a weeks time to do a follow up with you, a follow up that will include a cc to Tenancy Services.

I'm wondering if this sloppy standard of management is the result of menopause, if thats the case when my time comes it will be HRT by the bucket load.

Yours notveryrespectfully

Rather Disgruntled Tenant.

Addendum 24 hours later: Even though I only sent the very very gentle version of this email I got a response the same day, possibly due to a mention of Tenancy Services though I suspect due to gross embarassment. Yes, they now admit that the money is showing in their bank statement of that date and hadn't been credited to my rent.

This has me squirming because all I can think is "how did they balance, they can't have balanced". I suspect 2 options,

1: Their accounting practices are so slack that the concept of balancing the rent ledgers to the bank statement is totally foreign to them, or

2: They do do a reconciliation which means someone else had my rent credied to their account and now THEY have a problem to deal with.

How can they sleep at night if their numbers aren't all tidy?

Tuesday, February 12, 2008

Who needs the L word.....

.......when you have real life!! You may need a pencil and a bit of paper to keep track of this post, if I get time I will put up a flowchart.

Lets head back in time to mid November. We went to a wee dinner at a friends house before heading out to hit the dance floor. One of the other guests at table this evening was Ms C. During the evening Ms C was receiving a lot a texts that made her frown and she left early. I was then informed that Ms C had been involved with Ms D for some time, but had just ended the relationship as it "wasn't working for her", but Ms D wasn't happy hence the heavy texting.

Fast forward 2 weeks to another dinner party at the same house. Again Ms C was in attendance but this time she had the company of Ms S, and they looked so sweet in that fresh new phase of checking on each other, making sure they had drinks etc. It is also interesting to note that they were a femme/femme couple, which is quite a rare occurrence.

When I spoke with my hostess at a later date asking after Ms C and Ms S I was told that they had actually met sometime earlier in the year when they were both involved with others, and could feel that they wanted to get hot and heavy together. Now being upstanding legalette types they felt that they had to be single to explore this attraction further so they both ended their current relationships, hence texts in para 2 above. At that point Ms S was involved with Ms R, and I am told that this relationship came about because when Ms S 'came out' Ms R was the only lesbian she knew so they ended up together. That breakup was said to be very VERY nasty and fraught.

So now we have Ms C and Ms S exploring their attraction and Ms D and Ms R out in the cold. Lets fast forward again through Xmas and January and come to the first lesbian dance event of the year on the 7's weekend.

A small digression here to address the question "How do you know if you are HOT?". The answer of course is; when you leave a dance club at 2am and pass the junior league in the street who then proceeds to prostrate herself on the pavement and beg, nay implore in a very eloquent and impassioned speech for you to return to the club with her, even though you have reminded her that you are older than her Mother. Suffice to say it was a 4am finish which may account for me missing the next vital part of the original story.

So on Sunday afternoon when doing the dissection of the night before with my girlfriend, she asked if I had seen a woman, whom she thought was Ms S, draping herself all over Ms P (yes I know another new character, use the pencil, and be glad I haven't touched on Ms S.2.2 and the flatmate and her lookalike!). I hadn't, but that was probably due to the fact that my brain cells were a bit rearranged and my body would have been on auto pilot, meaning it would have propelled me at all times away from Ms P in light of her profession.

Fast forward, for the last time, to dinner last weekend chez moi with the hostessi from para's 2 and 3, and the topic of Ms C and Ms S came up. It turns out is WAS Ms S draped all over Ms P, with the implication that they had met at the para 3 dinner, and they are now an item with an odd little synthesis going on with their professions as well. Ms C is back with Ms D, so it's only Ms R thats left out in the cold, though no one seems too perturbed by that.

Incestuous lesbian community, Never! This weekend is a house warming party at the home of Ms S.2.2 and her flatmate, finally a chance to figure out who is the flatmate and who is the imposter, which many of these women will be attending. Now that they have finally settled into their twosomes one hopes no reshuffling occurs before Saturday, because it really is quite tedious trying to keep up. I'm sure though that after this post has been read I will be ostracised and have to spend all night in the corner talking with the gay boys.

To be continued..........

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