Friday, December 24, 2010

Dramatic Rescue

When I got in to the office yesterday the other early starting staff member was fretting badly. Two of the babies had fallen out of the nest and were huddling in a corner, and we were both frustrated at not being able to do anything as we can't reach the balcony from our level.

About an hour later while I was pretending to be the receptionist on level 21 I heard a large amount of screeching and squawking and could see seagulls flying and diving. Five minutes later the following email arrived.

"At some point this earlier this morning, 2 of our short friends from the Seagull’s nest, possibly aided by the Northerly, took an unscheduled flying lesson. The trip ended with them bundled into the corner of the balcony near the window cleaner’s crane gear. Mum and Dad stood watch over their errant children, alarmingly leaving the third chick alone in the nest.

A surprisingly senior looking stockbroker from L12 got one back into the nest but had to retreat from the dive bombing attack that could have ruined his Christmas, not to mention his dry-clean only suit. 10 minutes later, the L12 ornithological society were out again, but this time they were tooled up. The pictures tell the story..."
Needless to say I took them down a bottles of bubbles as thanks for their efforts.
We are now all fretting as to how they will survive over the holidays if they fall out of the nest while there is no one to rescue them.

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Birth followed by almost Death

We had birth over the weekend. I was there sweating it out all weekend but didn't check, so on Monday morning when we had new babies I was as surprised as the rest of the staff at their arrival and cuteness. I got the first baby photo today.

Jarvis, as I'm told he is called, had a near death experience today. I think the father was baby minding while Mum had her first fly about in weeks. Jarvis fell off the planter box this afternoon! Bad child minder! However, Jarvis spent a mere nanosecond near death on the ground because an office worker from level 12 ran out, braved the squawking screaching Mummy, and scooped Jarvis straight back into the nest.

To be honest, it really is level 12's seagull and not ours, it is their deck. We're only voyeurs.

This is my life?

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Letter to Santa

Dear Santa,
I know it feels like you have given me a gorgeous gift already, but just in case you felt like giving me a totally material item here's a wee hint.

Like the other gorgeous gift, they are just so swoonworthy.

Lots of love
un-pc lesbian

Monday, December 13, 2010

Seagull Update

We are now overdue. In the interim Daddy has been so industrious bringing her new bits of flotsam every day that her nest is now twice the size it was last week. Compared to that image she is now sitting on a two storey nest.

It also seems on a windy day it is preferable to have the wind blowing up your arse instead of down your beak.

To be continued.

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

Yet Another Office Update

I promised Scuba Nurse I would put this up.

One of the year two's got into the office on Monday morning to find that this had happened to his work station.

It does explain the random question I'd received from one of the summer clerks about catering packs of foil. I'm glad I deterred them from raiding the kitchen.

I think the year two quite enjoyed it and didn't want it to be removed as it meant he got to work in a REAL office for the day. One with walls and a door.

Monday, December 6, 2010

It's all go at the office!

Now that the boxes have departed from the floor a new obsession has gripped the staff of level 13. Suddenly the print room staff and a programmer have become ornithologists, albeit highly specialised ornithologists, but if you want to know anything about the life cycle of seagulls, my office is the place to visit.

Let me introduce you to Jillian Livingstone Seagull.

Her partner Jonathon is a highly attentive Daddy, and very efficient about bringing her food and new bits of flotsam for the nest. He is also a highly motivated guard and defender. The entire balcony surround is now white with seagull poo, and if anyone attempts to go on to the balcony he yells at them loudly and attacks. It may be some time before the balcony can be cleaned.

We have confirmation of three eggs, thanks to the programmer and a very old set of binoculars that were an Xmas gift that never made it home. Due date is 12 December.

I do so look forward to getting back to the office next Monday, I'm particularly keen to see feeding time.

Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Not So Rich

I'm linking to this story because A, Cactus told me to, and B,it's a bloody good read.

Some silly boy is trying to take on our leader the Whale. Off you go and have a chuckle.

Monday, November 29, 2010

I've Been Ever So Butch.

Now that summer has suddenly arrived my deck has been calling to me loudly, telling me to move out there for the season. Yesterday I thought sod the fukkin tax department, who yet again have NOT got back to me even though they promised, so I went and spent this months tax bill money on some deck furniture. The furniture required some construction, hence a small moment of butchness. 

Without too much stress I managed to construct the furniture, and I did it while wearing a skirt so I guess one clould say I was technically being futch. Anyway, below is my new furniture, no need to guess what famous store it came from.

I have already been mocked today over my butchness in putting this together, so before anyone asks, YES, this did require the use of a tool to construct. It came supplied with said tool. The 'instructions' also implied that a rod needed to be inserted in the 'tool' to assist with tightening the final bolt, yet no rod was supplied. Sadly a steel chopstick died in the process of putting the table together.

I only like plastic chopsticks anyway!

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Boxes Boxes Everywhere

Sadly I have been too busy to make the forts I referred to below, but I have managed to get an image of one small section of the boxes.

They are being picked up tomorrow to go to storage.

Some more boxes were delivered yesterday, and as I was so short of space I have had to store them in my office. These ones are NOT going to storage and I don't intend to share them with anyone.

I may be gone for some time.

Friday, November 19, 2010

Across the road from the office this morning

not a lot more I can say really.

Thursday, November 18, 2010

I know I shouldn't....

.......but I don't know if I'll be able to resist.

We had 300 archive boxes of evidence delivered  today. They are stacked in long lines and towers down the hallway and every available space on my floor so they can be barcoded and indexed, then sent off for proper storage.

All day, all I have wanted to do is pinch the sheets and duvet from the sick bay and make forts. I may not be able to resist tomorrow.

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Awwww, Bless

Number one daughter has gone back to the sperm donors for the summer to work and save money for her second year. She has managed to get a job which she says is "climbing up trees and counting apples." As I figure a ladder will be involved I am not fretting, but I am laughing madly at the 7.30am start. 

We are back to text and email communication, and I have had a couple of classics in the last two days. Firstly a text I received yesterday, "my life is so boring, I am loving it." And then an email I received:

You like that dumb "awkward family photos" website... these are real ones that have come up on my faceboowall in the last week.

I know some weird people.

I'm just glad you're not crazy like these families.

Love you bye
Here is one of the pictures.
I do look forward to more of her correspondence over summer.

Sunday, November 14, 2010

No Smoking #2

I have had another no smoking experience. Over the last couple of weeks I have been doing a series of office moves at the coalface. Usually I don't move the computers and just reimage them so they are all clean and tidy for the new user, however due to chinese wall information barriers it has been easier to move the hardware in this project.

I completed the final move on Thursday. I had been dithering over this one as it involved me moving from an office with a stunning view, to one with only an averagely good view. The fact that 3 people now take up the space that was previously occupied by just moi is irrelevant.

When I fired up my computer after moving it the screen lost image after a few seconds. I changed the dongle which is the usual culprit but still no image, THEN, suddenly, a little puff of fine smoke came out of the fan and the fan started whirring away very loudly. I quickly forced it to shut down.

As I have been naughty and stored some data and files on the local drive, I immediately rang my main IT girl in the Auckland office and told her what had happened. She laughed hysterically and then proceeded to YELL it out to the entire IT department that I had made my computer produce smoke. I take it from the roars of laughter I could hear down the phone that this was the most amusing thing they had heard all week. Whimper, their chortling was not helping me retrieve files.

I then decided to live dangerously and pushed the on switch again, and what do you know, it started up and decided to play nicely. I have now saved and refiled all the data I was fretting about, and intend to keep using the machine until it totally fries itself. That will be most amusing.

I wish my diamond drama had the same happy ending. I found this morning that I have lost the diamond out of my left lobe in the last 24 hours. On top of the ring I lost earlier this year that means about half a carat of diamonds and attached gold work that I have donated to the universe. Whimper. Obviously was not meant to be.

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

New Boy

Dear New Big Boy at the Gym,

Around the wall and on the mirrors at the gym there are two signs. One says "do NOT drop weights on the floor", and the other one says "please put the weights away after use." I assume you can't read.

If you had looked at what the other people were doing instead of checking what I was doing, (yes yes, I know I AM the only woman doing weights there, get used to it) you would have seen that Nice Big Boy put his weights away immediately after use, and Irritating Boy who was using all the equipment and weights I wanted put his away after use. Everyone except you put their weights away after using them.

I realise this was possibly your first night there, so I worked around it, however if it happens again you can guarantee I'll be TELLING ON YOU!


PS. Could you also do something about those shredded stubbies you were wearing. I really don't wish to catch a glimpse of your dangly bits while you're bench pressing a weight that is obviously too big for you.

Monday, November 8, 2010


I purchased a gorgeous purple Charlie Brown tunic dress on the weekend at the new designer recycle Red Cross store in my 'hood. It has lovely ruffly bits at the bottom of the sleeves and hem. It is also Quite Close Fitting.

I tried it on with leggings, heels and my stretch 'n' grow underneath to smooth out the lumpy bits. I then asked the child for her opinon. She said it looked good, it made me look slim and that I could wear it in public.

I am now torn. Is what she said true, or is it child revenge?


Today I was called to help a client who was having issues connecting to the wireless network in one of the meeting rooms. I went in and did my thing, gave the airport settings a bit of loving, and got him connected.

When I left the room my receptionist, who is a similar age to I, came running up to me and whispered in my ear, "isn't he hot, he is just gorgeous."

I then had to confess that I hadn't really looked at him, or even noted his looks as I was too busy intimately fondling his lovely shiny Mac, and stopping the drool escaping from my mouth. I am so easily pleased.

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

I'm Back

I've just had a quick trip to Auckland which included a bit of a Big Night Out.

I managed 5 bars that night, and along the way I was given a ticket to the Auckland Fetish Ball, so I spent a bit of time in there as well. I must say that even though I thought the Wellington one was very tame, it beat the Auckland one hands down. The night included the obligatory muscle displays to prove a point, model walking down Gay rd, stiletto heel running to prove another point and finally lashings of hot sweaty half naked gay boys to finish up with. The evidence is over on facebook.

As I didn't have a hangover the next day I walked over the gully and played pool with a new friend. She is a very sharp pool player, possibly even betterer than the ex. I did laugh when she asked after an hour if I wanted to carry on as she was concerned I may be  bored from losing all the time. I had to explain that losing is the normal for me, and playing pool is not about the game but about drinking beer and chatting.

Monday was a lazy chill out day with lashings of coffee time with the worlds best dog.

He seemed very tired on the walk home and slept and snored for hours after we got back, so I left him at home when I went for a run. Apparently that was the wrong thing to do as I had a very miffed dog by my side for the rest of the day, glued in case I went out the door again. I was also a bit slow on the uptake when he decided he needed a cuddle, so he used stand over tactics. That is, he climbed on the sofa and stood over me with his face close to mine until I applied appropriate cuddles. Bad Aunty!

Tuesday was back to work, back to life, back to reality. sigh

Monday, October 25, 2010

Second Child Syndrome

I've been told off from afar as I haven't been blogging enough lately, but as I haven't been doing anything other than work there's not been a lot to comment on. Had a massive week last week with another coming up, but yay I get to head off and play in Auckland at the end of it.

The main topic of discussion this week has been what I refer to in the title. When I left the gym yesterday I got a text from first born saying "62% ATTENDANCE FOR THE YEAR, WTF". That meant she had arrived home and read the sisters final school report. When I got home first born was bristling with indignation about it. It really winds her up that the sister just isn't trying, as she thinks the sister is far smarter than herself, so she can't understand why second born is cruising and just scraping in with the minimum marks needed. First born is smart, but is also a solid worker which shows in her A- average for her first year at Uni.

On Saturday I went on a little road trip and caught up with two sets of old friends, both of whom have children of similar ages to mine. At both houses the first born was there studying madly for first year exams, and the second born was nowhere to be seen. The second child syndrome was discussed in much depth. Sadly we have all come to the same outcome, and that is to just let them be and learn their lessons the hard way. In each family the second born thinks they know everything, can't be told anything, and refuse to listen to advice from parents or other siblings. We have had enough of being abused or ignored so have let them be, sigh. At least I know I'm not alone in the issue.

I am continuing in the usual method of child discipline, and she hasn't had any internet for most of a week. She has been out a lot, but is now home and ill so I guess the chores will be done soon. Below is a pic of why the cable gets removed. This picture is a few weeks old, but the room is back to the same state.

For those of you on facebook the picture is up there and at the request of Cactus has been tagged to identify items.

I have just finished the great window cleaning adventure, but I see now I may have to  revisit some parts. Oh well, at least the pollen crust is gone. Now off to clock up a few k's on the treadmill, as the weather man lied and it's too fukkin windy to run outside, and hopefully throw some weights around to finish with. Oh my, it's such a scintillating life I lead.

Sunday, October 17, 2010

Latest OCD Tune

I want to sing like Clarence Fountain! If anyone has a better version of this let me know as I'd really like to hear the piano part more. And NO, there is no maximum amount of times that one can listen to this over and over and over.

Sunday, October 10, 2010

Wartime Rations

We are currently living on a wartime rationing economy while I pay off the fukkin tax bill.  The photo below will give you an indication of how this works. I'm sure I can get another two months out of my eyeliner pencil.

Saturday, October 9, 2010

You Know

You know you've been hanging out too much in one section of society when you see an ad on tv for an upcoming show, and it takes a few minutes before you realise that Trans-Tasmania is not a gender blurred comedy team from Hobart, but in fact a play off between NZ and Oz teams.


Wednesday, October 6, 2010

Happy Camper

Sharon Jones and the Dap Kings, front row seat, I am squirming with joy. Horn players, lots of horn players, what more could a girl want. This is one happy camper.

Monday, October 4, 2010

Random Wine Wankery

I went on a date this weekend. I guess you could call it a practice date, as it's been a fair few months since I last went on one that I had to remember how it all worked.

We met at a wine bar and after the second glass I found I lapsed into a bit of wine wankery. I have since been told that I was being informative, but that may just be politeness talking. However, I had been looking at the wine list and was saying how I read these lists by the name of the winemaker and their palates, then started rattling them all off.

Oooh, I've now just thought of a good game. Phil, you may want to play, Kenniff you can't for obvious reasons! On this wine list there was; the sperm donor, Tim Turvey, John Hancock,  Gavin Yortt, Tony Bish (swoon), some Rod McDonald, many Peter Cowleys, a few Grant Edmonds, and I think a Kate Radburn.The game is, name these wineries, a chocolate fish for each one you get right.

I ended up chatting with the Wine bar owner a bit as well, as I'd got on to the topic of Grange Hermitage and the shocking prices it commands since Robert Parker rated it so highly and the American market pushed up the price. (see I told you it was total wankery) The owner then asked of my involvement in the industry, so I told of my working in the business, and of my long term connection with the sperm donor.

He then said, "G***** has done a couple of winemaker dinners for us this year, I've caught up with him a few times." It took all my willpower to resist saying. "lucky you, that equates to about 15 times more time than he has spent with his children this year". Three hours per year really is not acceptable.

I will now put my claws away and carry on with my night.

Saturday, October 2, 2010

Pure Vanity

I had a hair cut today and while I was trying to take pictures of it I ended up taking this one of my back. Yes, I know it's total shameless vanity putting it up here and on facebook, but it's the first time I've seen properly the result of all those hours in the gym. I did have another one that showed my lats better, but my shoulders and biceps didn't look so good, and since this is about pure unadulterated vanity, you only get this one.

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Failed Again

I failed another test yesterday, the earthquake kit check. The firm issues all staff with a small civil defence pack but we are expected to add to it with other items such as shoes and clothes. In light of the 4 September quake there has been much emphasis put on ensuring everyone has a full kit.

We had a surprise check yesterday and when asked where my kit was I found that "on the bedroom floor so I can trip over it" was not the correct answer. Whimper. It will be in the office tomorrow. I will most definitely get a chocolate fish on the next lightening raid.

Today I've been a failure on other levels as well. I blame it on a touch of the child's sudden onset short duration glandular fever, plus the fact that there is a new boy learning the print room and he is doused in a smell that evokes thoughts still too fresh. I'm a pathetic sensitive soul with olfactory memory, so may tell his manager that particular fragrance is banned on my floor.

As penance for being so wimpish I did 45 minutes cardio on the most hated equipment, rower and bike with sprints on both, and in one of those karmic moments the following tune came up on shuffle.

I am looking forward to tomorrow. I'm going to the suburbs to look at a particular item of furniture. I will take my earthquake kit with me in case I can't find my trail of crumbs. I'm sure it's going to take me most of the day to do this task.

Monday, September 27, 2010

Not Fair!

Bloody Aucklanders get everything. I've just found out about the show below, and not just one show, but two. So Not Fair!! Why can't they share. My Mummy taught me it was good to share. Of course it is way too late for me to get there for it, plus I have 'other plans' for this weekend.

Not only does it feature members of Joy Division (and in Finn tradition an offspring as well), and they play the album sequentially, but also one of the support acts is my old mate Harry. Harry the Bastard of the Club H releases, aka Harry Ratbag from Rip it Up when it a freebie way back in the 80's, aka Harry Russell one of my partners in crime at the Six Month Club. Ugh, brief break for a drift down memory lane....

A Certain Bar, my that was so long ago. Anyone out there remember it and the blue pool tables? The Six Month Club was the bizz. I was the coat check girl, my bestest job EVAH. Danced my arse off, made a fortune, only drank French bubbles. The Brat wasn't quite so lucrative for fun or coat checking loot due to layout, but stuck it for a few weeks before I went off and explored the world on my coat money.

So, not only does Auckland get the only Adam show, but now the uber cool Unknown Pleasures one as well. I am moving to advanced sulk mode.

Saturday, September 25, 2010

Deja vu

A few weeks ago I rewatched the movie L A Story, a Steve Martin movie where the lead character got his life advice from a talking freeway billboard. I had an l.a.story moment today. I ran round the  bays clockwise, and when I got to the edge of Greta Point the speed control sign flashed at me, à la l.a.story. It said 10k. I waved, said thanks and carried on running laughing. It was only talking to me, yes?

Thursday, September 23, 2010


Today's theme tune comes to you from the letter S and that big yellow thing that has been in the sky all day.

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Lust for Life

While doing my workout this evening this tune came up on shuffle. I tried to dance but I was face down on a bench doing flys. I did try. I've got the hook stuck in my brain and am going to make it my motto for the week.

I think I may even put it on to my runlist, and that would make it the first new entry on that list for over six months. I'm picking it will need to go around the 7k mark.

Also, please tell me that callouses are sexy.

Monday, September 20, 2010

Need a Pimp

I know I've been bleating on about this dating thing but I think I've figured a new solution. As I've said here and over on the Gaynz post, the lesbian dating sites are just way too scary for me. NZAlien and her roomie are perservering, but as they are US based they have a much larger pool to paddle in.

Today I've come up with a whole new solution and that is; I need a pimp. I haven't quite figured out how it would work, but it sounds like a bloody good idea. I guess I could get the pimp to scout out possibles based on the criteria referred to in the dating post, or maybe someone who is already a dating site veteran could trawl the profiles for me. So, if anyone is interested in pimping for me, you know the drill. Just comment.

Of course as I've been pondering pimping the perfect tune came to mind, but sadly the only clip I can find has some awful visuals, apt, but awful. So close your eyes and just listen to this one.

On a completely different note - Little Drummer Boy, Creepy Twitchy Guy was at the gym again tonight and I only had wheelchair boy (swoon) and the Bieber wannabes to protect me until the big boys arrived. Make him Go Away!

Saturday, September 18, 2010

Random Shite

Well I failed the blood test, second one in a row, so it appears I have to change my diet as the fresh fruit and vegetable low fat diet with lean protein and whole grains just isn't working. Kinda sucks when I sit and watch Hairy Boy Shagger eating all the biscuits, fried food, and other crap constantly without exercising, and her cholesterol is perfect. Have to re do the test again in three months. I'm predicitng no change in the number and figure that is just my baseline number.

I'm about to go and have my first run in over ten days, once my lunch settles. I fear it's not going to be fun, but one must. I'm hoping  that while I'm sweating it out that I will be able to figure out how I am going to seat ten at table tonight, as I only have eight chairs. I'm also hoping I will figure out the cooking thing.

I had very funny time out last night with the Russian and Ms Gotlucky. I'm in an andro phase at the moment so went out dressed as such, and spent the evening on a sofa in a bar flanked by two divine specimans of uber femme. Ms Gotlucky had a fluffy outer layer on that one could pat and snuggle into. The Russian reminded me of a drum majorette. I could see that every male in the bar was jealous of me.

Oh bliss, have got home from coffee loading to find that number one daughter has done all the dishes, and she doesn't even live here. Yay

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

Fading Fast

I have to have one of those fasting level blood tests tomorrow morning which means nothing but water for 12 hours prior. I'm two hours in and fading fast. My own personal motto is never let two hours go by without eating, and I've got over ten left to go.

I don't know how I'm going to cope in the morning, as those who know me well know that the time gap between the alarm going off and porridge ingestion is as minimal as possible. It can be done in under three minutes. Even the thought of a wee sleep in isn't compensating for the lack of porridge on waking. Whimper.

On a completely unrelated note I've been looking at lesbian internet dating sites and posted on it over here. I do think I should make some effort at this dating thing, but fuk me, those websites are scary. That's one idea I don't think I'll be investigating further.

I was also going to ramble on about the latest development in the continuing communication with the IRD over the shocking tax bill, but their latest level of incompetency really deserves a post of it's own.

Thursday, September 9, 2010

Apartment Etiquette

As I am new to apartment living I have a question on apartment etiquette.

The mail boxes are all located in the ground floor internal lobby, and keeping in mind that this is an old hospital and some areas are still reminiscent of the building's past life, my question is - can one wear their favourite big fluffy and slippers to go check the mail or should one don proper clothes for doing this task?

Monday, September 6, 2010

Movie Review

Over the last couple of weeks while I've been busy trying to get the bandaids to adhere firmly to the piece of my heart that has been chipped, I realised that I have been neglecting my blogging duties over at Gaynz. As I've been feeling extremely brain dead I asked the editor to suggest some topics, and one suggestion was to review some lesbian movies.

I duly wrote a post, but after reading it I think it's better suited for here. So here you are, a review of every lesbian movie I have ever seen.

If These Walls Could Talk 2
Interesting concept, first story very sad though still meaningful even in todays society. The last story a total waste of energy and removed any traces of hotness Ellen Degeneres may ever have had. Second story had Chloe Sevigny as a hot butch.

And Then Came Lola
Quirky offbeat movie with great shots of San Francisco. Never having seen the original that the title references, I have no idea if the story is in any way similar or not. Hot butch character the Italian Stallion played by Cathy DeBuono

Better Than Chocolate
Another quirky offbeat movie in the fashion of Desperately Seeking Susan, my favourite genre. Canadian apparently. Has hot andro butch character called Kim.

This movie is quite old and it appeared at one point that I was the only lesbian on the planet who had never seen it. This was rectified about a year ago. Great movie in the style of Guy Ritchie and Lock Stock and Two Smoking Barrels. Has uber hot butch character Corky. Swoon

That is it. Sometimes I fail terribly at being a lesbian.

Friday, September 3, 2010

Retail Therapy far better than chocolate at helping ease a girls heartache.....

I will still of course indulge in lashings of chocolate tonight as well, as it's compulsary while watching the deeply trashy NZ Top Model.

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

Life Sucks Sometimes

Why is it that what was the sweetest thing in your life can suddenly become the most painful?

The End.

Sunday, August 29, 2010

Dead Animal

I am currently reading this book on the recommendation of nzalien. This afternoon I've finished the meat and potatoes chapter and guess what I'm having for dinner.....scotch fillet, rosti, buttered spinach and mushrooms. nom

Dinner was planned before I read the chapter, honest!

Fetish Ball

Flogging, tick, done!

Please tell  me I don't have to go out again before Xmas.

Thursday, August 26, 2010


In the last couple of days life has thrown me one of those curve balls.

Or to quote the words of Neneh Cherry:

 that goddam bitch called life has made me cry
I think I'll poke her squarely in the eye.

Over the last few days I've been dealing with some emotions that I prefer to not have in my life, so to get them out of my head I am going to vent them on others more deserving, so...

ANZ Credit Cards: You dumb fukkers. I changed my address by secure mail on 29 June, I have just checked, so why do your records not have this showing until 27 July? That is why I have received no statements, nor the new credit card you sent me that you now have to cancel. I have been to my old house, which is still empty (yay, divine retribution for the landlords being so parsimonious about lightbulbs) and there is no mail there. Which leads me on to.....

NZ Post: Why the fuk have I paid to have my mail redirected when you can't seem to do it? Do I get a credit for every item not received? Will the sale of goods act or fair trading apply to your slack service?

Ooooh, and while I'm on a roll, IRD, you fukkers gave me a timeline of 25 August to have a response to my application for a reassessment, still waiting.

I am going to the Fetish Ball on Saturday, and while I may not have sorted life by then, hopefully it will put me in a better frame of mind and normal chirpier transmission will return.

Monday, August 23, 2010


At the moment I am suffering from some constant allergy/sinus issue, and everyday as soon as I walk outdoors I start weeping and snivelling. I currently have a wee red rash on my face as well which of course is very sexy. This proves, as I somewhat expected, that both the type 1 and type 2 antihistamines I currently take are working brilliantly.

As the weeping makes my make up run, leaving lovely black streaks, I occasionally venture outdoors sans maquillage to avoid this unkempt look. Today I went for a run at the gym in this state.

As I was sorting my bits and getting ready to run, Little Drummer Boy arrived and said hello. I was holding the menopause fan, as I has been moving it to place by my treadmill, when vanity kicked in and I attempted to hold the entire conversation with him with the fan held in front of my face.

Much later on when I was stretching I realised that girl logic had kicked in as well, as I didn't want LDB to the naked face and sinus eyes, but it was TOTALLY ok for him to see the red faced sweaty mess bouncing around on the treadmill. Go figure?

Girl logic rocks!

Sunday, August 22, 2010

When I Grow Up

While I was preparing dinner this evening I recalled one of those "where do you think you will be in twenty years" conversations you sometimes end up having over the dinner table. It came to mind as I sliced the avocado open.

You are guaranteed, if it's a table full of lesbians, that one will say that they will be the crazy cat lady at the end of the street. I have come to realise in the last few years what my calling in that direction will be.

I will be the crazy avocado lady. I have had the odd uncontrollable practice moment at the supermarket in the last few years and I see now, as PMT becomes a memory, that I will be able do it out of sheer bloody mindedness when I'm a true senile Nana. I will hover by the avocado stands and scream loudly when anyone commits the sin, "Don't Squeeze the Avocados". Every culprit will be forced to purchase the avocado that they have squeezed, and if I have lucked in and become senile lotto winning Nana I'll install video camera's.

My reasons for doing this? Below is a prime example of what happens when you "gently" squeeze an avocado to see if it's ripe, a collection of fingertip bruises and one inedible avocado, so "Don't Squeeze the Avocados!" 

Sunday, August 15, 2010

Life on the Edge

While I was out having a drink with a couple of friends last night before we went on the fabbo show, the topic of conversation moved to the exciting things we had done the night before, Friday night.

Below is a photo of what one of my friends had done for their Friday night entertainment.

Funnily for some reason the words pillow princess spring to mind!

I then started on the scintillating story of what I had done on my Friday night and proceeded to describe in great detail how I had spent my time on this site, and here trying to find if it's the svchost.exe file or the wuauclt.exe file that is giving me grief. My research is telling me to delete the C:\WINDOWS\SoftwareDistribution\DataStore directory file, but I'm dithering.

I then woke my pals up and we went off to the show and had a grand night.

So You can see from the threads I'm reading that it's a fairly recent issue that is annoying the fuck out of people. Make it go away!

Sunday, August 8, 2010

Another one for Little Drummer Boy

Weekend Workouts.

Even though I was awake in plenty of time to make it to the 10am circuit class, the thought of working out before I'd had coffee made my body cringe, so afternoon run 10.5k. ( and yay, wheelchair boy came and worked out in front of me)

An all over session.
10 minutes bike as there is a new supply of trash magazines.
Lat pull downs 37.5k
Back fly things, (don't know proper name, done lying on tummy on a bench) 5kg
Kneeling Row 14kg
Pec deck 32.5kg
Single arm preacher curls 14kg
Seated bicep curls with twist 7kg
Arnies 5kg. Still only doing really low weights with shoulders, whimper. Want Shoulders!
Swiss ball skull crushers 17.5kg
Another 10 minutes bike to finish the trash magazine I'd started earlier.

And now it's beer o'clock.

Tuesday, August 3, 2010

My Life in Haircuts

While I was looking for a particular photo last week (one of myself and my first car) I came across a vast collection of old images of myself and the ever changing haircuts. I have scanned a selection of them, so here you are readers, my life in haircuts.

This first one is from the start of my working  life at some work party. This was the days before fancy straighteners and curling wands so to get that look you had to plait your hair when wet into a myriad of small plaits, wait for it to dry, endure a day of frizz so that on the second day you got the gentle wave effect. Also note the micro thin eyebrows, possibly only one hair wide.

The hair gradually got shorter. I had asked my hairdresser to cut it all off but he wouldn't so he gave me a compromise cut instead. This was the hair cut that ended up on the catwalk.

Next a new city, and a new do, well on the way to getting it as short as I wanted.

This one is from the full andro and celibacy years. I see I have make up on so that probably means a certain drummers girlfriend had been visiting, my only femme crush, EVER!

Now the Bowie meets Keith Richards look. I used to have random miniature plaits in odd places. This is one of my favourites. This is also before "product" was invented so you can see why I use it now to keep my hair down, not up.

Moving on to the finely cut mullet with christmas cracker toys hanging from my ears.

Followed by a full 80's pom pom taken just before I moved to London.

And ending this section with the post London have to grow it out because the hairdresser melted sections of it from over bleaching. This was also the start of the I'm sure I can conform and do this heterosexual thing phase of my life

There are many many more, the blonde short and long, a red bob, plus another brief phase of long and, shock horror, natural colour, but this little collection is enough for now.

Sunday, August 1, 2010


I've just been to the gym to do a weights workout and give the body a big shock in preparation for lasagne eating. As I was leaving my eye caught the notices on the wall, one was asking for expressions of interest in a circuit class (I LOVE circuit) on Saturday mornings.

Guess who's name was at the top of the list - Little Drummer Boy!!!

LDB, you are soooooo sprung. You know it will be unbelievably rude to not say hello next time our training paths cross!

Monday, July 26, 2010

Nice Buns

Since moving to the new pad some decorative items are of course in different places than they were in the old house, so one gets a different view of some things.

I have just noticed, from my current sofa perch, that Lord Krishna has a really tight set of buns on him. Nice Arse!

Pedantic, moi?

Too bloody right I am. I have just been on the lovely Trademe answering the inane questions on my current auction, and resisting the urge to give the measurements in inches, when I thought I would have a wee browse around the bedroom furniture section for an item for the childs room.

I am staggered by how many people are trying to sell a verb. The highlight though is the person who is not only selling some draws, but a towl rack as well. The verb selling also seems to be suburb dependent.

That is all.

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

I Blush

While I was in Christchurch recently and wandering around the city consuming vast quantities of coffee, boys boy texted to say come and look around his place of employment as we were near by and it was pre the lunchtime rush. He works in a male sex club.

We quickly went for a guided tour. Naturally it was quite dark in many of the spaces so not a lot to see, but sufficient to satisfy curiosity. There were many video screens showing gay boy porn, and I realised I've seen so much boy on boy porn that my reaction was yawn yawn, oh my, another stiff dick and clean shaved butt hole, show me something interesting.

However, in the little maze of rooms were some cubicles that have "glory holes", though quite hard to see in the dark. Now that I am back home I find that each time I wander past a piece of furniture in my house I blush. It was my Mothers glory box. It's just Not Right!

Sunday, July 18, 2010

Go Faster

I figure I only have a few more precision parking attempts left to do then I will have completed the racing stripe on the drivers side of my car.

I think I'll have to man park though to do the passengers side.

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

Stairway to Heaven?

I've just had a few days in Christchurch de stressing and indulging in the other yummy activities that Christchurch offers. I had a good run on Saturday morning in preparation for eating these at the party that night.

They all had to be eaten, someone had to do it.

Yesterday we went for a hill and stair walk to make the most of the sunny weather. I don't normally do up, usually keep my exercise routes as flat as possible, but the boy assured me it wasn't too much up. We started by walking up an almost perpendicular slope and then got to the steps. I was quite cocky about it, verbalising how it wasn't as bad as Jacobs Ladder and I've done that a few times.

There was one small detail the boy forgot to mention which was; that at the top of this flight of steps, there was another!!

I survived, the steps are quite shallow so not too killing on the legs. I do secretly think when I'm back to full speed and the permafrost has melted, I may attempt running it.

Wednesday, July 7, 2010

Can't Resist

This post is a prime example of why you should be very cautious with your security and access settings on facebook. One of my "friends" was tagged in a photo so I was then able to look at the entire album and came across this wee gem, which of course I pinched.

The female of the species in this image is a very smart young blogger whom I link to from here, and who is having much fun exploring life and sexuality, interspersed with the odd bit of study. The male of species doesn't appear to be Quite So Smart.

Thanks Sinnercyst, and hope you finally got your exam results.

Sunday, July 4, 2010

All Done

The move is complete, in the sense that everything has been taken from one house another. The essentials (beds, internet) have been set up so now it's just the task of unpacking the sea of boxes. I did have a wee moment  of panic when I thought there wasn't enough floor space to place all the boxes, but they all fitted.

Not Good Point: The movers smashing the fancy low slung glass light fitting in the dining room of the old house (I neeeeeed all my bond back), and using the boxes clearly marked fragile as the base to stand other boxes on top of.

Good Point: Dinner at a new local eatery where they have paper on the table tops and encourage the patrons to write and draw on it by giving them pencils. There were none on our table so I pulled a pen out of my bag to which the child said, "why is it that the only pen in your handbag is pale blue and sparkly?"

I'm currently hiding in bed, about to go to the market and hoping the unpacking fairy will visit while I'm gone. I forsee another trip to the dump today.

Tuesday, June 29, 2010

Dear God, Why?

I'm gonna beat Laughykate to this one! A website that we both enjoy has a new offshoot and I've stolen this wee gem off it.

Welcome to Awkward Family Pet Photo's. Oddly, I don't think I want to know the story behind this picture.

Sunday, June 27, 2010

Bye Bye

Have to say goodbye to this chap as well, our paths have crossed a few times, whimper.

Random Question

I'm currently up to my eyeballs in packing and downsizing, so normal transmission will resume once all that is complete, however, one random question.

You know when you go to the deli section in the supemarket and get your few hundred grams of chicken or salami etc, and they put it into one of those plastic bags then seal it with the barcode label. Well, is there a special school they send the deli assistants to where they learn how to twist and label those bags, so that no matter how carefully you try, you can't open them without spilling the contents everywhere? Just wondering.

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

Tonsils Anyone?

I have acquired a spare set of tonsils. Until this afternoon they were still attached to the child, but are now sitting in a speciman jar in the fridge.

I feel a new 'work of art' coming on, a collage of tonsils and ejected molars. The child is so going to love me when this new creation is put on public display.

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

We're On the Move

The Great Flatmate Hunt has come to a most unexpected end, in that the child and I are on the move. We are downsizing and moving to an apartment which we are all very excited about.

It was getting down to the wire, and I'd started singing Bob Marley as well as the usual chanting while I waited for the universe to sort things, then as is the way with the universe I got a thrown a  last minute curve ball for a final dither and complication.

Last week for no apparent reason and with no pre planning I went and looked at an apartment that had been adverstised in the paper. I don't know why I went as it was out of my price bracket. I loved it when I saw it, and then the owner dropped the rent for a 1 year lease. The child came and looked at it after school, and I explained all the financial parameters, which included paying board next year, to which she agreed so it was decision made.

That evening I then got an email from someone who would have been the ideal flatmate, but sadly it was too late. I did meet with this woman, and she was lovely but the thought of living on our own was too great. As was the thought of no grounds, no oceans of pink carpet, no masses of housework, no vast power bills from trying to heat the house, and no having to live with the odd quirks of another person. The downside, no furball (who is currently trying to help me write this) She is going back to her first Mother, her first love.

On Saturday I went and signed the first lot of paper work, handed over loot, and "negotiated" a further rent reduction for an 18 month lease, so now we are just waiting for move in day.

We have a few items to download, so I'm thinking of doing a zero value auction on Trademe, with a special gift of a fully functioning crt monitor for whoever wins the auction. Sounds good to me.

So.....the new pad.

Thursday, June 10, 2010

Is Jillian Michaels a Lesbian #5

I must say I am very disappointed that all you "is Jillian Michaels a lesbian" fans haven't been screaming this latest bit of bit of gossip at me. Thankfully at least one person cares about me enough to send on the link.

So a wee excerpt from third to last paragraph page 2:

And though this self-proclaimed "anti-Hollywood girl" would rather watch Lost or hang with best pal actress Vanessa Marcil than go to parties, she does squeeze in time for dates—with men or women. "I've been in love with both," she says candidly.

Yeah, yeah I know similar to the Ladies Home Journal article. So I guess this could be seen as stepping out of the closet one baby step at a time.

Wednesday, June 9, 2010

Comfort Food

As you know the weather here the last few weeks has been cold, wet, and miserable which of course means one tends to make warm filling comfort food. As this is food that takes a long slow time to cook it also counts as child abuse.

This weekend I made a classic peasant dish. It was so yummy that word got out and number one daughter turned up the next night to have the leftovers for dinner. Every ridge on her plate was scraped clean. So here it is..........brains in gravy!!

Monday, June 7, 2010

A Wee Announcement

As many of you are already aware I appear to have become a bit of a media slut. I have joined the blog crew over at GayNZ so now have a second blog running. You can see it here. It uses Wordpress so I guess in blogging terms that means I'm bilingual.

I will still keep this blog going as this is my own personal baby, the topics and posts at Vanity Rules will have a different focus. This site is where I will still prattle on about my life, work outs, Jillian and lets not forget child abuse.

And on that note, when I got home from the gym today the child was all excited as she had just downloaded a new browser, Opera, which allows her to watch youtube, and chat in facebook. So damn, there goes the bandwith again. However I may have spoken too soon, as there has suddenly been a bit of swearing and abusing of the computer, so all may not be happy in Opera land. Somehow I don't think a browser that modern would be compatible with Windows ME (there, I've put it out there), however I'm open to be proved wrong.

And now it's time to go and research dumplings. I have some beef and vegetables slowly braising in the oven and I think it may need dumplings as there appears to be a surfeit of gravy.

Saturday, June 5, 2010

Hark, What is this blue stuff?

Not only is there this weird blue stuff in the sky, but there is a bright yellow orb in the middle of it as well.

The washing line is now full, the other clothes racks are full and on the deck, and I'm about to go out in it and stock up on vitamin D, oh and coffee - neeeeeeed cofffeeeeeee.

The tune? For the title, the fact that her voice is so yummy, and of course for the gorgeous pale orange 70's boilersuit she is wearing. A fashion that a certain High St chain I frequent a lot had a revival of over summer. Funnily, they are all on the sale rack now.

Addendum: I am such a fukkin html whizz now!! I published this post then saw the clip was too wide for my template, and changed the size of it without looking for help, I figured it all out myself!! (yes it is sad what spins my wheels these days!)

Tuesday, June 1, 2010

Speed Dating

Oops, no, got that wrong, speedrenting, that's where I'll be tomorrow evening. The flatmate search continues. I think I'll take the child as well so she can learn all about the flat hunting process.

It's quite odd, others tell tales of being indundated with prospective flatmates when they have advertised recently, but so far I've only had a possible no, and a most definite NO turn up. Whimper.

Madly trying to think of ways to rewrite my ads so they draw in the masses, and make people instantly want to move in here, because it really is such a lovely house to live in. I guess my absolute worst case scenario would be to go on a second date with a lesbian. I am chanting madly to ensure that doesn't happen.

There is other news in the world of unpclesbian, of which some of you know already, but I will make a proper announcement about that when there is a bit more to announce about. Now madly searching for something along the lines of "HTML for Dummies".

Tuesday, May 25, 2010

Flatmate Wanted

I was informed on the weekend that the flatmate will be moving out shortly, so I am again on the hunt for a new flatmate and shamelessly networking everywhere, including here.

On offer is a double bedroom with built in wardrobe and a private office/lounge in a large sunny house with fabbo views. There is the added extra of the teenager, plus all the usual electronic and cyber necessities one needs to survive. There are of course all those white things that cook, chill, wash and dry your various items of clothing and food, and heat pumps. Lovely heat pumps.

So if you are looking for a new place to live, or know of anyone who is, you know the drill. Just comment me with your contact details and I will give you further information. Comments will not be published.

I am now back to madly chanting and visualising the super cool flatmate I am going to get to ensure this becomes a happy experience.

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Naked Lesbian in a Hot Tub

I know, a slutty title to drag you in, but trust me, you won't be disappointed.

I have returned from my adventures in Queenstown and as expected I didn't want to leave. I very much enjoyed the lifestyle I was living down there and sulked greatly at the thought of returning to reality, I'm still Not Happy about it. However here are a few holiday snaps for your amusement.

First up the view from the front deck. Sigh.

On Saturday we headed into Queenstown for the first adventure, and handbag quite enjoyed the gondola ride up to it.

On the way up got the first glimpse of the head fuk that was to follow.

After a brief girly tizz to start with (even though I am apparently NOT femme!!) I managed to get over myself and do the deed.

As you can imagine I was feeling Well Pleased with myself after that and ready for the next challenge, which turned out to be drinking.  I humbly bow to my hostess and her superior skills in that particular field.

The following day was the flying fox adventure, which seemed somewhat tame in comparison but still fun. It reminded me of playing on the Army confidence courses in my youth. A childhood pastime that is probably banned now along with  jungle gyms. Lucky me to be born before playground safety was invented.

The last day saw us jet boating on the Shotover but sadly no images of that as it is quite hard to take a picture when you are hurtling directly into a rock wall, but I do have one taken just before leaving the house. I thought Dolly might like jetboating.

And of course the one you've all been waiting for, though really it's just for Little Drummer Boy so he can see the results of the back work. The hot pools were lovely, just what this girl needed.

So as you can see reality is now frightfully dull after my wonderful long weekend away, and I really can't thank my hostess enough for making this adventure happen. I am forever grateful.

I do of course now have a bucket list..........
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