Saturday, September 22, 2007

Lesbians, penis envy and other related matters

On Monday morning baby dyke AV techie girl came into my office for a download. She said her girlfriend had kicked her out on Friday night, but then on Saturday morning once her bags were packed and she was ready to go her girlfriend changed her mind, in true lesbian fashion.

When I asked why she was kicked out her response was,

"because I wanted to spend the night with a boy, what, does she think she owns me or something?"

Doh! Yes,of course she does, you're living with a LESBIAN!

It made me think back to when I was baby dyke's age and the whole gender issue became all too hard. My response was to just give up on the sex bit all together and focus on drugs and rock 'n' roll. Oddly after 2 years of celibacy I still hadn't solved the gender issue, but as I'd not really given it any thought, to be expected.

So now it seems that 20 years down the line trying to have your cake and eat it too is still not acceptable in the lesbian world. I could fully understand why my ex husband wasn't too keen on my idea of staying with him and having a girlfriend as well, being as he was old school, and would no doubt have tortured himself with thoughts of "maybe the girl sex is better than sex with me?", which of course was true, but I honestly did think the younger generation were a bit more open. Not so apparently.

I guess one would have to have an "open" relationship to be able to play on both sides of the fence without hurting anyone.However in my limited observation of open relationships it seems that one person gets to sleep with whomever they currently fancy while the other seethes silently and keeps the razor blades handy, all the while professing that they are truly comfortable with the situation, honestly.

As a little aside I met a "threesome" earlier this year who were in NZ for a wee holiday and all staying at Mums. They were made up of the alpha dyke in her sharp chic London clothing, all chunky jewellery and edgy haircut. Then there was the baby dyke Londoner, young and fresh and bouncing around like a new puppy, and finally alpha dyke's original girlfriend with her shaved head and grumpy attitude. Not too hard to figure who called the shots, but what I really wanted to know was; what are the sleeping arrangements? Did they all share equally? Did grumpy get to play with puppy as much as alpha did? Who got to sleep in the middle? And many many more equally inappropriate questions.

So why are lesbians still paranoid about the odd shag with the male of the species. Where is it written that because you're involved with a woman it means you have to give up all male sex, or the attitude that you're not a "true" lesbian if you sleep with boys. As I tell my male friends, when it comes to sex why discount half the worlds population simply because of genitalia. I know there's many a heterosexual male out there who would just loooove for his girlfriend to occasionally have sex with another woman, why does it not work in reverse?

Why is sex a gender issue?


Cactus Kate said...

UnPC - I think this woman is what is termed by observers as a bisexual.

You must see it from another point of view. As a female how mortified would you be to know your boyfriend sticks his dick up other men's botties? While most men have no issues imagining two women together I can honestly say I have never met a woman who is happy that their boyfriend is rooting other men.

That's why sex is a gender issue!

Anonymous said...

I know what you mean about open relationships - a bloke I know is in one where it's patently obvious that they just don't love each other anymore.
Very sad..

Notably baby dyke AV techie girl's girlfriend wanted to kick her out for a clearly signalled desire to be unfaithful.
Which sex she wanted to do it with seems
immaterial - it's the commitment that counts.

I agree with CK that sex is a gender issue if only because the sexes view nookie with slightly different ends in view - I think that males still don't take lesbian sex seriously and tend to view it as a dalliance rather than a serious choice.
The whole thing that guys have for watching women get together seems like total bollocks to me - all the lesbos I've met are interested in each other, not penises.

How about serial monogamy? Works for me..

Mrs Smith said...

I want to know what happened with Grumpy, Puppy, and Alpha. Sounds like a great reality tv series.

Muralismo said...

My husband's a Lesbian LOL

Anonymous said...

I feel passionately about the issues polyamory (poly = many, amory = love) raises for us, because so much of our socioeconomic system and culture relies on people unquestioningly following the structure of monogamy.

I do understand that critically and independently deconstructing the monogamous hegemony socialized into the western world's psyche from birth - and intentionally restructuring it - can be confusing at the least, and threatening/disgusting at most, to many people.

In that space between what we (think we) know (the "thesis," if you will accept the Marxist dialectical theory's terminology for a moment), and the new/crazy/threatening/unknown/unpracticed idea (the "antithesis"), lays a path of learning and enlightenment which we can choose to tread with openness (ie. approaching the new idea with curiosity, and taking in new information and ideas without judging them), and *then* make and examined and hopefully slightly more critically formulated decision on what we think and how we see the world (the "synthesis").

So, for the purposes of this post:
Monogamy = Thesis
Polyamory = Antithesis
Your new view = Synthesis

Which is why, before jumping to conclusions such as "not in love," or "unfaithful," "bisexual," etc. i ask that you take a moment to read below.

Sexual orientation has been equated with gender because of our polarized and binary way of viewing both sexuality and gender. The current English language does not have the capacity to deal with the myriad and fluid forms many people's sexuality and gender comes in.

What is the word for a biological female who is attracted to post-op transmen? What do we call a pre-op transwoman who is mainly attracted to women? Many have attempted to introduce simple linguistic evolutions to our language - Leslie Feinberg, for example, using the pronouns "ze" as a replacement for "she/he", or "hir" as a replacement for "his/her".

What if, for a moment, you consider that when i wanted to sleep with that boy so many months ago and got kicked out of my home, it was actually because that night i was feeling more like a gay boy than a straight boy or lesbian? Clearly you can't tag me as “bisexual” for this?

The nuclear family (two parents – usually assumed to be in a heterosexual union, and kids) is a relatively new invention for the human species. Indeed, for the entirety of human history in all places on our pretty little planet, prior to the industrial revolution (ok i gotta check my facts on this one, but i think this is correct), we lived with communal spaces that you didn't have to “pay” to be in, unlike the internet cafe i am currently in, and in built structures that housed at least our entire extended family. Why the drastic and rapid change? Because it's better for profit. I can make SO MUCH MORE MONEY if i sell your family, your sister's family, your parents', your grocery provider, and that other kid down the street each your own separate, shiny, new television. Eh.

But what now if we lived and shared, explored, and grew our experience of what it is to be human with people we not only loved, but were also intimately and physically connected with? Suddenly our cost of living goes down (imagine the savings on dildos alone, if a community of 8 lovers all shared!), and we do not spend so much time and energy keeping “what is mine”, be it material goods or a physically intimate relationship.

There are many common misconceptions about what an “open” or “polyamorous” relationship consists of. And i have seen some pretty ugly ones myself. I am working with my current partner and two lovers (all of different genders and sexual orientations) to openly and honestly develop and live in a structure of relationship that we create and explore together. It is difficult, but i believe it is worth it. Nobody has to hide anything from each other, as long as we can be totally honest with ourselves, and with those we love.

However, for now, i have to end this already long-winded post because i am supposed to be applying for jobs.

Please take this for what it is – an off the top of my head response written while pretending to write up my CV. If there is any interest in this subject i will actually go and research, and write a proper piece.

Lotsa love ;)
baby dyke AV techie

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