Thursday, May 3, 2007

Weddings....Bah Humbug

There is a large wedding expo on in the city this weekend where all the desperate and tragic wanna be brides and their mothers can trawl through the large amount of product and services on display in a futile attempt to glean some inspiration that they can then try and reproduce disastrously at their local hockey rooms.

We have a display stand there, an extremely large and beautiful one it is, and of course vastly superior to any of the others. After the set up I don't usually work these events as operations is my forte, but as expected the sales department has come grovelling....BIG grovelling, so of course I will be there.

I am most displeased about having to work this show for two reasons. One being that the hours involved (16.30 to 20.30 on a Saturday evening) are some of my most pleasurable hours of the week. This is of course drinks and pottering in the kitchen time. Sometimes drinks time takes command but always magically a fabulous gourmet meal is created even though I'm unaware of doing it. The other reason it displeases me is that I have to be NICE to people.

As you all know when the masses descend on an expo all they are after is free stuff. Well ha ha to them because I'm giving away diddly shit this year, and if they want to take advantage of my competition they have to book a wedding to do so. I'm so looking forward to seeing all the crestfallen faces when they realise that not only is there no fudge to run off with, but also NO chance of a free hotel night either. You people know who you are, funny how we see your faces every year, I mean how many times are you going to get married?

Another thing I will find amusing this year is the faces of the males in attendance. What a bunch of hen pecked, thumb printed wusses they will be, because even I know that there is a rugby game on that night, and I DON'T DO BALL sports. Any male who goes to the expo this Saturday night may as well hand in their balls now.

I am presently practising hard how to be civil and polite and to not verbalise the bleeding obvious. I have a list of things I am not going to say:

"Don't do it, take the money and run"
"You can chat to me all you want but it's quite obvious that you can not afford me"
"I only do weddings for people with style"
"You want to marry THAT!"
"I would suggest you stop sampling the pies"
"and is Mum coming on the honeymoon too?"

Yet again, I'm sure I'm going to offend someone on the night.


W Ferret said...

I'm almost tempted to attend that outer circle of hell in Greenlane just to see if I can find you but alas I have to shapoo the goldfish

unPC lesbian said...

You'd be spending a lot of time tryin to find me in Greeelane, I'm in another city. Goldfish sounds far better option.

Just to make things even more interesting I have the toothache from hell so I'm sure I'll probably let go with my ultimate taunt

" are you sure you want a Lesbian to organise your wedding?"

To The Max said...

Any male who goes to one of those expos is a lapdog in training. Don't they know they should look at mother-in-law to be - freak out and run a mile!!!

ex-expat said...

What is about weddings that causes women to drop several IQ points in the process?

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