Bloody children, Bloody soccer

The child has informed me that she needs to be delivered to a soccer game at some excruciatingly early time on Sunday morning. I thought her club games had finished as she is now doing intensive winter training for athletics, but no, she’s been chosen for the regional rep team and this is the first game. As well as being hideously early in the morning it’s also in the suburbs and not just any suburb but one at the furthest edge of the city, so far out that I will need to pack a little overnight bag for the journey.

I don’t know why they schedule games for teenagers so early in the morning as it’s a proven biological fact that teenagers have a different sleep pattern and don’t like early mornings. In fact one Wellington High School timetables their seniors to start at 10am to get better productivity from them. Why can’t the bloody soccer clubs do this? When the teenagers are wearily dragging their sorry arses off the soccer field the knee hugger grade is just starting. Hullooooo, those little buggers have been awake since 5am pestering their parents, is time to go yet, is it, huh huh? Till finally at a civilized time of day, ie; after the decent coffee shops have opened, they get to play.

There is also the drama of what does one do at a soccer field on the edge of civilization while the child is playing her game. No the correct answer is not watch the game.

I tried watching one of the games early in the season but I got sent off the field and banished to the car with all doors and windows firmly locked. The trouble is that at the child’s age grade there are not many girls’ teams around so they have to play mainly boys teams. I attribute this to the fact that at each end of the field they have goalposts and not hair straightening posts, plus there are no mirrors strategically placed along the field so they can check that they still look ok while they are running.

Playing boys teams means soccer Dads and their endless yelling abuse from the sidelines. Strangely the SD’s think the vitriol coming out of their mouths is encouragement. On this day there was a Neanderthal type hurling out little gems like, “they’re a bunch of girls, don’t let them beat you” (the girls were leading), “you can beat them, they’re only girls” etc etc. Gosh and we wonder why sexism is still rampant in our society.

My girlfriend could sense that I was about to go in for the attack and banished me to the car. I really wasn't going to be bad, honest, I was actually planning to praise him as it was quite astonishing that he’d learnt to string a sentence together that was almost comprehensible. Plus I was carrying no sharp objects.

While composing this little rant I have now realized what I will do this Sunday morning, I’m going to take my running gear! A devious Mother ploy of retribution, as while the child is playing her game I will go for a run round and round and round the edge of the grounds. The child will be mortified.

Oh yes, could someone tell my why if soccer is now officially called football in this country, why the national organization still refers to it as soccer?

It's true....I'm famous!!

Yes, as fluffydevil commented I was named "blog of the week" in the Herald on Sunday on 26 August, and I have spoken with the reporter involved to confirm it. Bugger forgot to organise a clipping.

I of course am now going to gloat, in a most gracious way, but gloat I will.

So to all you Wellington bloggers, if I manage to make drinks next week I will expect to be toasted with lashings of bubbles, and greeted with the most humblest of bows or curtsey's depending on which gender you ascribe to.

(Oh.....and maybe one of you could tell me how I can set up the "email me" feature on my site so in future I can be contacted direct by the media....she says in her most sheepish and grovelling manner)

Why?

Why does this software have this erratic paragraph spacing problem, it's most annoying. When I typed the post below all the paragraphs were perfect and now look at it, and no amount of editing will fix it. Bah..humph.

On Pacific Blue and weight loss

Yes I've done it and I'm well pleased. In my glee at getting such cheap flights for a dancing weekend in Auckland I of course let all and sundry know. As a result newsroom girl sent me this wee snippet, and coffee girl this morning was saying the same.....

Greenpeace is warning cheap airline fares will only add to climate change.
Pacific Blue has launched its domestic service with fares of 39 dollars.
The airline will raise fares after six months but they'll still be under a hundred dollars between the main centres.
Susannah Bailey from Greenpeace says the price doesn't take into account the environmental damage.

Oh sod off Greenpeace, I'm seriously considering removing my bequest to you from my will, I'm sure someone else out there would greatly appreciate the $100. Anyway, the news a few weeks ago was saying the worlds oil supplies were to run out in 5 years so in the meantime I'm going to use up as much as I can on self indulgent cheap flights to Auckland to party and play with my friends.

On the subject of weight loss, I've just had this weeks "Biggest Loser" weigh in and another good loss, I'm now only 700 grams above my start weight. At morning briefing this morning it was decided that anyone who gets below their start weight will win, I'm gonna do it!! And ha ha to my staff who were trying to hinder my efforts by making a little altar around the toaster with all my favourite breads and bagels, I resisted........and the chocolate eclair that I'm currently eating doesn't count. However I have just been asked to take up a spare seat at the famous chefs dinner tomorrow night, which of course I have to do though, WHAT WILL I WEAR?

I think I am going to achieve new records on the treadmill this week.

I can't help myself

I've been resisting all morning but I just have to do it, blog about one of my clients that is! Bad form I know but I just need to get it out of me.

I know we all like to make the most of our appearance before a big event but sometimes fresh and new just doesn't work. The head henchwoman of one of the events I have in at the moment has had her hair "done" ready for these next couple of days. When I saw her last week her hair was a boring SWABH, but now it's been done, or should I say DONE.

Orange stripes should not be attempted on anyone over the age of 20 and even then they should be discreet. The beige under colour is lovely and flattering but she looks like she has strips of floor mop lying on top.

I hope this is not some post menopausal trauma I have yet to look forward to.

Bad Vogels, Bad!

Vogels has a new product out, well fairly new. It is EXTRA thick which means it soaks up EXTRA butter.

It arrived in the main kitchen and staff cafe about 2 weeks ago, and as that is one floor up I have been able to avoid it. It has now arrived in my kitchen. I think this is a ploy by my staff to hinder my attempts in the "Biggest Loser" competition as I'm now only 1.3kg above my starting weight. In fact I'm convinced it is sabotage as a 4 slice toaster has appeared as well.

I would recommend that Vogels discontinue this line immediately.

Lend me your ears

It's been quite chilly of late and coffee boy's way of dealing with it is to wear and extra pair of ears. One would have hoped that by having two sets of ears he may have doubled his listening skills, not so, he's still as irritating as ever.

Fortunately since this pixt was taken he has headed off to Canada, to some competition, quite possibly an irritating one. One did wonder what he would be like if he didn't consume so much of the product, I fear the answer would still have been irritating.

I wanna dance!

Why is that Auckland can manage to hold 2 successful women's dance nights each month and Wellington can't even manage 1, and when it is attempted it's a fukkin disaster.

I wanna go out and dance, at a nice venue packed full of Lesbians and the odd token gay boy, have good beats and dance my arse off.

Yeah yeah, I know, I should stop moaning and organise something myself, but as I spend 50 hours a week organising events for other people when it comes to down time I'd rather someone else took control. Besides I'm old, setting up dance events is a young peoples game.

And as for Our Bar, what a joke. Their website said "join our mailing list so we can keep you up to date on events", oh right so every time you click on the link and send an email it gets rejected. Then after trying another method and a different email address I get a response, but I'm still waiting for my update emails. It's been over 3 months now. Judging by the current link on the main Wellington website they obviously stopped doing anything on the 23rd of May. Great marketing gals, you're really going to pull in the punters with that.

So come on Wellington lesbians, get off your arse and make something happen, stop being boring.

And if anyone comments and tells me I can go dance at The Pines I will personally hunt you down and rip your clit out.

Ripe for the picking

I have just spied growing in the gardens down the centre of Lambton Quay some beautiful red, green and yellow Swiss chard, that's funny coloured silver beet to you peasants. Usually they have the pretty decorative curly kale, looks lovely but no desire to eat as it's too closely related to cabbage.

I'm very tempted to sneak out and harvest in the dead of the night, but I fear the lead levels would counteract any goodness I would gain from eating it.

Big fat lie!!

I won't pick it because most recipes I use it in have lashings of yummy Gruyere cheese, cream and eggs, and I have the work "Biggest Loser" weigh in tomorrow. Since the in-house competition started I have gained 2.3kg, I think I'm going to win.

Help me Mrs Smith!

The children's father is getting married shortly and I have been instructed to find a suitable dress for the child to wear. Both children have said they are going to the wedding. Number 1 daughter is only going if number 2 daughter goes, and number 2 daughter is going because it means she gets new clothes.

Naturally I am somewhat loath to put too much time and effort into this task, even though it does involve clothes shopping, as the wedding is on my birthday weekend thus ruining my plans, and he is marrying the Vulture who refuses to have either child (except for her own) in the house.

I have been given a budget of $100 to cover dress and shoes, YES, that is dress AND shoes. Pick yourself up off the floor Smith because the best bit is coming..............the wedding is being held at Huka Lodge. By my reckoning it 3 doubles and 1 suite.

I am feeling very drawn to getting one of the nasty fake Gucci prints in a very staticy fabric that are in all the chain stores this season, preferably in a print vile enough to put everyone off their meal, but as the child would refuse to wear it, and has to wear it all evening I will resist.

I think I need another conversation with number 1 daughter to see what she is thinking of wearing, and then purchase something that clashes violently with it. She would appreciate that.

A new group

I see there is a new lesbian networking group that has been started, catering to those women that love frocks and stiletto's and naturally the odd handbag or two. I have pasted in their promo from the website, see if you can guess what's bothering me about it......

Capital City Femmes
the group for Wellington women who love women, high heels and handbags!
Capital City Femmes is a new group aiming to bring together the capital’s feminine lesbians in pursuit of fabulousness: dining, salsa & ballroom classes (two left feet a must!), twilight cruises and plenty of cosmopolitan drinking.For those game for a laugh, we are also planning some daytime activities, rollerblading (beginners), dog walking and maybe a bit of quad biking up the Kapiti Coast for the adventurous.

I am tempted to join, simply so I can see how they are going to quad bike in their stilettos with handbags in tow.

Only because I fully understand

I'm so proud....

While watching a favourite tv show last evening I had the usual text conversation with number 1 daughter which went as follows......

From her, "Die, Marcel, die"

My response, "ROFL",

To which she replied,"Mum, I don't think you should use any acronyms, they are lame".

I'm so proud of her because;

• She spelt everything properly, in full and with the correct punctuation.
• She used the word acronym correctly, in the right context and displayed true understanding of it's meaning.
• She cares enough to let me know what is no longer cool in the teenage world.

Thats my girl!

Cruel tricks # 1

Yes, I know they are all Judges and their minds are on higher things, and it is a residential course so they are all in their civvies, but surely, SURELY, someone could have told him that his jeans are just way too short.

Nice socks buddy!

Bad Bad Fashion Crime

OMG, I can't believe I've done it, and it's been like this for 2 hours now and I've only just noticed!

I've got the wrong suit jacket on for my trousers!

I only noticed during morning briefing and could barely get my spiel out I was so mortified. Faint pin stripes on the bottom and plain black on top, and not only is the wrong jacket but it's my LEAST favourite one as well.

I'm sure I only had 1 wee sample from my new bottle of Vanilla Vodka last night.

New Hospital Questions

In light of the new questioning policy I have been pondering how I would respond to these new questions. Being the dreadfully honest person that I am I suppose it would have to be the truth....

"My girlfriend always threatens to beat me up, but then never follows through".

I guess I shouldn't ask them for help on that one.