Child Abuse # 5

"Maaarrrmm" the child whined loudly, "do you know where David Beckham is staying?"

"Yes", I replied.

Fashion Crime # 2

I went a Civil Uniony party thingy last week, oddly it was a hetero couple from offshore doing the civilising thing and not pair of a dykes. I've wanted to blog about it, but as the party was held by close friends, and knowing they read this I've been stifling my urges as one is very mindful of excrement and backyards.

However, there was one fashion crime there that I can suppress no longer, and as the culprit is not part of the inner circle I am safe.

This young slim woman was wearing straight jeans with a crease ironed down the front.

I'm guessing she irons her sheets and towels as well. Maybe Mrs Smith could hire her to iron her house before Herr Relative arrives.

Cars, Clothes, and Dancing

I have sold the BMW! Phew, one drama out of my life. I did briefly consider changing my phone number so the purchaser couldn't contact me in the future but then figured as he got it disgustingly cheap he has to expect a few niggles, and yes all BMW's do that funny surging thing when in full lock, it's a feature.

I saw Brenda at the traffic lights yesterday and she said she didn't recognise me as I was in in my Nana car. NO BRENDA the correct response was you didn't recognise me because of my long hair and fabulous new sunglasses!!

I bought the skirt. Girl logic ruled. The car didn't sell at auction last week so I bought the skirt to make me feel better. Or, Girl logic #2, the children's father had put money on my credit card to cover their passports, so even with buying the skirt the credit card balance had been reduced. The manufacturers website still only has winter garments on it so I can't show you a picture of its fabulousness.

I have had my hair cut so the hair crisis has been temporarily averted for the next 6 weeks when no doubt it will take over my life again. So all you friends who were so non helpful during the current crisis, you have 6 weeks to form some helpful suggestions.

I have been sent a link to the discount shopping malls in Melbourne in preparation for the upcoming holiday. Gosh, I don't think a trail of crumbs will suffice for finding our way around them, will probably need a GPS and a little overnight tent in case of emergencies. Number 1 daughter insists on looking at EVERYTHING before making a purchase. I fear we may be gone for some time.

And to all you Wellington Lesbians it's time to dance. Saturday 1 December, VIP bar on the third level of iMerst. Some lovely girls have organised this. The doors open at 8pm so you Nana dyke's can have a night out AND be tucked up in bed by 11pm. All the real dancers of course will just be starting by then, and I assume those that want to carry on through the wee smalls the main dance space will be happening by then.

See you all there.

Open Letter to Radio New Zealand House Tenants

Dear Radio New Zealand House Tenants,

Summer has arrived so my office window is now open for the duration. Therefore when you congregate in the service lane for your breaks it means:

A: That even though I am 6 floors up I can smell your nasty cigarette smoke, and

B: I can hear what you are talking about.

So, little girl with her hair in a pony tail and the red dress with black top on, GIVE UP, it's clear from my vantage point that HE'S JUST NOT INTERESTED IN YOU!

Lots of love
Unpclesbian

....still laughing hysterically...

......and no not from the last post on "Rants of a Married Lesbian" as that would be too cruel, even though it does epitomise every bad stereotype of American lesbian culture, you know, what do you do when times get tough, shag someone else of course. I digress, I am laughing hysterically from the insurance company's quote to insure my new (old) car.

The new car is a Nana car, a little 1.5 litre of not much grunt. Yes it does only have 2 doors so technically can be called a coupe, however for some unknown reason the insurance company has decided that it is a high performance sports car desired by boy racers. This is a car that I don a fake nose, glasses and moustache disguise to drive in, just in case someone sees me in it. The 2 ltr mid-engine Targa top MR2 sports car that I used to drive I class as a high performance car.

The insurance company is trying to charge me almost twice the premium I paid on the MR2, and twice what I currently pay on my BMW which is a larger engined car and twice the value of the Nana car. I contacted the local Toyota dealer and they had a good laugh as well.

Discussions are continuing..................

To skirt....or not to skirt

I went for a little wander yesterday to get some fresh air and my stroll took me through the grand old Nana Kirk's. I had gone in there ostensibly to look for a pair of work shoes but reality was to fondle the shoes that go with my birthday handbag.

On my way to the shoe department I felt a beacon calling to me...look at me....look at me it said.....so of course I looked, and oh my I was transfixed. It was a gorgeous skirt in such an adorable retro print with little meshy frilly bits at the bottom, a symphony of loveliness.

I resisted.

This morning I had a little cruise through the Sartorialist and he is talking up the virtues of fun skirts.

I don't think I can resist any longer.

POST UPDATE: I succumbed to the call and went and tried it on. It was a tiny weeeny bit snug, and I said to the assistant that "I may I need a size 14 but you don't have one". She then looked closely at the skirt and said "this is a size 10, it was on the wrong hanger". I didn't hear what she said after that as my brain ceased all logical activity and could only hold one thought..... I fitted a size 10, I fitted a size 10, I fitted a size 10!

The size 12 fitted beautifully, lust, want, covet. Normally I would throw caution to the wind and whip out the credit card, but it's had so much action lately it's a bit tired and needs a rest. So all you indecisive watchers who can't make up your minds about buying my extremely cheap car, HURRY UP AND PUSH THE BUY NOW BUTTON!

Shaved Pussy

The alpha male cat has been booked in for his summer shave, a very emasculating experience for him, yet highly clever way of reinforcing who really is the boss.

We have timed it so when he gets home he can snuggle on the pink fluffy and watch Gok on "How to look good naked".

The child has recently acquired a digital camera ( thank you Nana and Granddad) so I will be able to post photo's of his Lordship's nakedness.

He has been referred to as a "one cat home invasion unit" by a neighbour, as he feels it's his feline given right to enter and graze in any home he wants to just because he's big, fluffy and cute. I fear that the shave won't stop this and he'll use the "I'm naked and pathetic" excuse to elicit food and attention from the neighbours.

Please, feel free to adopt him. This is one high maintenance cat.

oh damn, I've done it again.....

I have 1 car too many. Ooops.

Buy far the biggest drain on my income the last 18 months has been the bloody car. I would even go as far to say it matches child upkeep in $$ value. These are $$'s that could be much better invested in clothes, shoes and fine wine, not keeping my mechanic and BMW spare parts dealers in pink buns and cigarettes.

I have now bought a Nana car, a genuine Nana car. Sadly the Nana had passed on but the car keeps going. It is liitle, cheap to run, and spare parts are not an issue. Unfortunately it does have a back seat so the child can fit in but only with her head at right angles and resting on her knees.

So all you watchers who are hovering on the edge of my auction, push that button now....you know it's a bargain basement price....just DO IT!

The pain....the agony.....

A month ago the extra personal personal trainer suggested a change in our workout routines as we were getting a bit stale and can't be botheredy. The change was to do one month of cardio only followed by one month of weights only.

I now think that at the time I had a minor attack of sudden onset Alzheimer's and my concentration stopped at the word cardio....lovely cardio.....blissful cardio....run, paddle, bike, run....cardio, cardio,cardio. That is all in the past now.

Never ever EVER again will I take a month off weights. We have done 2 sessions so far (back and bi, chest and tri) and covered all the major muscle groups. I am in agony, I am currently typing this using a pencil in my mouth as it hurts too much to move my arms.

The extra personal personal trainer also omitted to mention the A word which is now included in the weights sessions. Abs. I have spent 25 years of gym memberships avoiding doing abdominal workouts, why should I start now? I like my marsupial pouch, I never expose it to the general public, and when I have saved up for my Trinny and Susannah knickers no one will know it exists.

I fear I may end up doing a Pankhurst and chain myself to the treadmill before this month is out.

Child abuse #4

No computer!!

My sorry little box that I call a computer finally spat the dummy on Friday night and refused to play at all, so the child had to go without the internet on a prime teenage networking/bebo night. It was razor blades all round, and she's probably now used all her 2000 texts as well.

I knew it was coming and had intended take off all the important data for safekeeping elsewhere this week, but the chaos that was work meant I didn't have time.

So now after 4 hours and 600 restarts I have reinstalled windows, updated everything (even tho Microsoft tells me it's not going to support my platform any more) and managed to save all the music files, both mine and child's (phew) and my images which of course is all I care about. Sadly I have accidentally (aka on purpose) deleted all the child crap and her profile.

So there I am feeling well pleased with myself that I've got it running again and connected to the world so I finally let the child on and what does she do.....moan loudly that all her little tool bars and widgets are gone and it doesn't look the same.

I now wish I'd taken it to work and let it sit on the office floor for a week!

I have a date this evening...

.......with cute 22 year old boy!

Oh it's so good to know that I can still pull the young ones, the HOT young ones that is. He's so cute, even his little faux-hawk haircut looks good on him.

Just proves that I'm still hot as when I called in my hour of need on Wednesday he came running, and even bought new shoes along the way because he knew I wouldn't approve of the ones he had on.

And now he gets an evening of my scintillating company.

I hope he doesn't bring his fiance with him.

It's me.....it's me....

When you are watching the news this evening please pay careful attention to any news items regarding Police and native terrorists. If you look closely you should see me.

All channels were interviewing this morning on the conference floor so I made sure I passed through back of frame many times, many many times.

Sadly I will not be home in time to watch, I may get the child to tape it.