Gutted

Yesterday I had to escort our future Prime Minister on to the floor to give a very long speech at the gig that is currently on. Unlike his visit two months ago this one had full security and an even larger media presence, one did have to ask the media to move away from the doors so the paying customers could get in. I was very grateful that I had thought to wear my Saga jacket and Minnie Coopers that morning.

Later in the evening I managed to get to the gym and treadmill in time for the news shows. I got very funny looks from the regulars when they realised I was turning the music channel OFF, and the news shows on as it's usually the other way round. So with my left eye on TV 3 and my right eye on TV 1 I did my run while trying to catch a glimpse of myself on the tele. Sadly it appears that the most interesting footage of the campaign yesterday came out of a shopping mall.

Gutted, what a waste of two layers of lippy.

Lesbian Guide to Decision08

As you know in her DomPost column today Cactus has covered the current crop of election candidates from a dating perspective. While researching for today's column on women she asked for my input, which I gave her, but she was only able to use one line from it, as apparently the DomPost isn't quite ready for the full Unpclesbian experience yet. Funny that.

Since I have sod all interest in politics, except as a fashion critiquing exercise, I approached my research as if it was a page on NZ Dating or even The Pink Sofa and recorded my reactions. I also canvassed a few friends and will note their comments as well. The candidate images I used are the ones on the Decision08 website. So party by party here we go.

National.
Hekia Parata: Looks nice and smiley and chirpy. Would have lot of appeal to many, though not I, a bit hearty and soccer Mumsy looking, would probably give a good team cheer after each orgasm.

Melissa Lee: Pretty little Asian woman, totally niche market. Is bound to definitely score in any town other than Auckland.

Greens.
Metira Turei: Hot short hair, could satisfy the androgynous market if she wiped off the lippy. However her image is next to that of Sue Bradford and I KNOW that Ms Bradford does not look as good as that publicity shot, so fear Metira could also be a case of false advertising.

Sue Kedgely: Will have absolute appeal to those wanting to shag a rich bitch, or at least one that looks like one. To quote friend research "There's something Dusty Springfield'esque about her, but apparently she's a thick as two short planks, but that's ok I don't want to talk about country of origin product labelling."

Lizzie Gillet: Has the "outdoors girl" look so will score high. Looks like she'd take her mountain bike to bed with her, and since oddly a lot of lesbians are bike riders, it's probably a good thing.

Linda Persson: The epitome of all that is sad in the lesbian world, this woman's picture should not be published.

Kath Dewar: Stoner girl, one would just hope that she remembers your name in the morning.

Labour.
Maryan Street: My flatmate thinks she is HOT, say no more. I just wish I could get the ick image of Nana sex out of my head. Friend comments are, "I can't really comment as she left my mate (her long term partner) for one of dear leader's aides. She wears sensible yet well made shoes and has a sexy voice. Sometimes that is enough."

Lianne Dalziel: Great shot, looks like she uses the same air brush technician as Dear Leader, one would then assume that she is a clit tease, all words no action. Go there if you want disappointment.

Jills Angus - Burney: Whats with the plural first name, is it to match the double barrel surname? She would definitely appeal to the quirky offbeat arty/ pseudo intellectual chick, but probably has lots of "issues". Double surname reeks of indecision as she probably thinks she's cool keeping her own name after marriage. She would probably do the deed but you would suffer for it for months after. Go there only if you like angst, and lots of it.

Anne Pankhurst: Just a lesbian "older woman" wet dream.

United Future.
Denise Krum: Looks like she'd have some appeal to your average Govt department middle of the road I don't want to stand out from the crowd lesbian. I personally would be unable to stop myself from obsessively staring at the ultra white teeth.

ACT.
Beryl Good: Gosh, can't you just see how tidily she'd put all the dildo's and sex toys away, colour and size coded and all very very clean. Go there only if you like being told what to do....precisely, to the millimetre.

Progressive:
Paula Gillon: Would have lots of appeal to the butches as she's your standard dreamy inoffensive blonde. Personally I like my women to be MEMORABLE, but she'd make a good butch accessory.

Elspeth Sandys: Bless. One could see that she would make good dinner party conversation, if only she could remember where she put the dinner, or if dinner is even on today. One would need to be careful to keep off certain subjects as they could possibly result in razor blade action.

Claire Main: Swoon. Where can I get a full size image of this girl. Though I must qualify that by saying the image on the site makes her look as if she has very short hair and very androgynous. If it's actually a tightly pulled back pony tail then delete immediately. Still a student, so much to young and doing, durrr, yawn yawn, political studies. One would need to be wary also as Mother is running for the same party, close Mother daughter bond could be off putting unless one was trying for the double.

So really, as reported by Cactus, the winner for me was "No Image Available", however there is one woman that I have not commented on, mainly because her image on the site did not provoke any reaction in me. I will report the friend comments, as it is true, this woman is HOT.

Louisa Wall: "She's tall dark and handsome. She used to be a netballer and has lovely hands. (That is polite lesbian speak for "Well Hung") She's a bona fide lesbian, but best of all she finally enticed my mate Ms *** to leave her husband after we had all spent years trying to bed her. She gets conversion points."

Told You So!

RATOS had asked me where I get my knives sharpened, and being the good hostess (yes another Girl Guide badge) I told her.

I did also warn her to be very cautious when she got the knives back as my man is very very good, I think he may have some obsessive compulsive axe murderer background that he keeps in check by knife sharpening.

I am now about to interrupt day 3 on the sofa to pick her up from accident and emergency. I have been assured that the extraneous fingertip has been removed from the pie mix.

Live Blogging from the Sofa

Yes, I'm into the second full day of doing nothing, 2 more to go!!

I have a new tune to play obsessively over and over. It's formulaic, trashy, with a killer hook and predictable 8 beat drop outs, and must be played loud and often. Makes my hips wiggle and my feet go straight to the dance floor, even if I'm in the gym.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HHhhcKxflMY

Grrr....tried to upload it so it's got the box and arrow thingy.......but all I have is a link. Will work on it.

Addendum, looked around a bit more and it says "embedding disabled by request", oh well learn something new blah blah.

Want My Turn

Our Purchasing Manager retires today and so far this morning all my requests have met with the response "No, Fuck off !".

I so yearn for the day when I can do that.

Sofa Is a Verb!

Yes, sofa is a verb and I'm sticking to it !!

When anyone asks what I am am doing this upcoming long weekend my response is "I am sofa'ing." Likewise, what did you do on Friday night, " I sofa'd."

I plan to sofa long and hard over the next 4 days with breaks only for food, alcohol, gym and maybe other stuff. I'm also taking home a laptop and 20 metre ethernet cable so I won't even have to move if I feel like surfing.

I have washed pink fluffy blanky, so it is all ready to join the remote collection for a weekend of hard out nothing. I do however fear a chocolate binge is imminent.

Getting Closer

NZM has truly been working hard on the case, and though she may not have managed to get the German goddesses flight schedules she has managed to get this lovely picture.

International Lesbian, cancel your New York tickets immediately and re book them on Lufthansa, it'll be worth it.

And on a completely unrelated note a couple more images for you. No this is not an explosion in a cable factory but in fact is what happens to ones office when you tell the staff to "put it in my office, it will be safe there"

I do so wish my German girl slave was still working for me, it never got to this state when she was here.

Limited Edition

Last weekend when I was out falling off my shoes while dancing with the wrong woman (and yes there is an untold story in there) it was International Lesbians birthday, a significant birthday in fact, and as is the style of the International set she held a party for her friends on an island off the coast of Thailand.

I have just received some photo's from the weekend, and must say DPF and Whaleoil even though I owe you big time I won't be publishing the photos of a hot tub full of lesbians, and one man.

As it was a significant birthday naturally International Lesbian received some great presents, one of which to me stands out above all others. She was given a one off, limited edition item of clothing from someone who obviously is extremely intelligent, with lashings of style and just ooozing class, and I am so impressed they were able to source this garment in the first place.

I have been given permission to publish an image of this garment.

Isn't it just divine.....oh and International Lesbian is pretty hot too!

Body Image

I had a conversation with a Recent Arrival To Our Shores recently about shagging different body types. The discussion had actually started on the topic of "fresh meat" on the market. She was telling me of a trip she'd had to the island of Lesbos earlier in the year, and how on her first visit to the beach she could literally hear the snapping of necks from the women in their eagerness to check out the fresh meat on the beach.

I, in my usual state of innocent gulliblity, was amazed that Lesbos was such a draw card and apparently is heaving with lesbian lesbians, not just Lesbos resident lesbians. However, the discussion moved on as RATOS described the average Greek womens body, they did not appeal to her. She then confessed that really there is only one body type (slim) that does it for her.

I then, in the spirit of keeping a good conversation going, shared that fact that yes I seemingly preferred one body type, and one could even say just one prime example of fine musculature, sad fukker, moving on......but I have over the years done considerable market research into the many and varied body types of women.

I also managed to totally gross RATOS out by telling her that I have shagged a very VERY large woman, all in the name of research of course, and I've now recalled that this woman was also my only experience of inverted nipples. I wonder what the statistics are on inverted nipples and would they correlate in any way to the uncircumcised:circumcised stats in the hetero world? Digression again.

So I have carried on pondering and have decided that other than in my dreams (see below) there IS one female body type that I have not shagged, and that is a woman taller than I. So all you tall lesbians out there, and I mean 5' 10" and over, I'm sure there must be at least 3 of you on the planet, here I am...waiting....waiting

Open Question

A large gold glittery themed ball, one room set for 210 for dinner and the next room set with a dance floor, flashing lights and other DJ stuff.

Which room would you hang the mirror ball in?

Child Amusement # 1

Mummy had a little melt down last night when she got her mobile phone bill, did not like the look of the $$ owing.

On checking further I found that it was generated by texts. I had exceeded my package limit by 261 texts, making a total of 761 for the month. Even the child was impressed, though it is nowhere near the 4000 she makes each month. I have also just discovered, painfully, that international texts are not included in the package, but don't worry International Lesbian, Ms Gotlucky and SweetJane it's not gonna stop me!!

Lesson learnt though, when making final arrangements for a big party night do it by email or land line.

Powerful Thoughts

As you go through life one finds that there are times when you need to make changes and hard decisions, and thus look around for information and help. Being the trash media slut that I am I first became aware of this "self help" industry through shows like Oprah, Ricky Lake etc, and we all know that Oprah's personal guru is Deepak Chopra.

After perusing this literature I found that most of it hovers between plain old common sense, and full blown religious spirituality cunningly disguised as finding and unleashing the power of the hidden spirit within. After much research I finally decided that the majority of the people writing this stuff have actually just discovered that they have a brain, and that if they use it to make well thought out positive decisions to change their life, rather than just behaving like a wet dish towel and letting all flow over, then life becomes a bit more interesting and vibrant.

I do admit that at times I am a positive affirmation chanter, along the lines of "Trinny and Suannah WILL return", "Trinny and Susannah WILL return", as just one example. The affirmation chants are usually done when I'm running, it's a rhythmic thing - while counting the beat 2 - 3 - 4 - 5, digressing.

So in light of a few things that have crossed my path lately I decided some positive affirmations were needed again so I started focusing on the dream and doing the chant. Me being me of course there are no half measures and at one point I thought I'd blown a gasket, but then realised it was just a sinus attack.

Well I must say that I am positively astounded at the success of my current wave of positivity, and I'm so inspired that I'm going to immediately apply it to other areas of my life. I have posted a wee picture below to show you how successful I have been.

Astounding!

NZM, read and weep!!

Bitch Slap

While putting in a multi user internet set up in a conference room this morning one of the laptops wouldn't connect. As I was sorting the issue I thought out loud, and said "I'll try another cable in case it's a cable problem". One of the delegates then said "oh, thats very clever of you to think of that". Implying, obviously, that he didn't expect a woman to think that.

I then had to resist the impulse to say to him rather scathingly, "when you've spent years setting up a 48 track recording studio with everything from digital equipment to a full orchestra, your pissy little 7 laptop set up is kindergarten level!" all the while making slapping sounds with my roll of gaffa tape.

And they wonder why more women don't take up trades.

Bliss Overload!

............Duffy, 4 rows from the front, centre block, premium seating.

Could there be a happier Lesbian on the planet!! And only 5 and a half months to wait, but you know how much I love playing the anticipation game...............

I Have Succumbed

........and not to media pressure, or political face slapping from those more motivated than I, but from the incessant nagging and texting of number 1 Daughter. I have now signed the orange piece of paper, put it in the envelope, thrown it in the letter box, and barring any odd disasters on it's way to it's destination I will soon be on the Electoral Roll. I do so hope I have managed to get the timing right and have missed the printing deadline.

This does not mean of course that I am going to vote as the "not going to, can't make me" principle still applies, but one did need to let the younger generation see that political pressure can bear results.

On a completely different note I am in a small haze of unpclesbian bliss, I can't believe it, it's all too much, House and Trinny and Susannah back on tv in the same week - hello sofa!

And as a completely random aside, the new running shoes have the first 10k on the clock, and it was back to throwing weights around last night. I am now the only woman at my gym lifting proper weights, and if the new batch of boys don't learn to get out of my way I may have to accidentally drop something.

More Saturday Night

To the young androgynous girl who started to chat to me on the dance floor very very late at night, you had short dark hair and were wearing a black top and jeans, oh, that's right, half the room was wearing that. You asked how my glass of bubbles was, then at the same time I fell off my shoes, damn girly heels, how do real women do it.

Anyway the bubbles had been fine, what I was allowed. Baby AV techie dyke had decided that I'd had enough (her story) and scoffed it all. However it was only glass number 3, and as you know I'd had to wait over 15 minutes for it while watching bar girl clean the bar surface and not serve customers. Please slap Baby AV techie dyke for me.

And, coooeeee Ms incomplete PhD Emily. If you've managed to remember the URL to get here, and judging by the virulent red colour of your drink that may have been a mission, yes, I lied. This blog is not full of lesbian erotica, but it was a good story at the time.

Big Night Out

Well my darlings, tonight is the night we've been looking forward to for a while, and since I know some of you will check in here before we go I think I need to voice some rules.

If it's after midnight and I start talking about just one little teeny weeny vodka red bull to help me along, the correct answer is NO.

If I start to look longingly at the lovely bottles of Cointreau and other yummy sticky things on the top shelf, please remind me of how ill I have been lately.

If I then try to negotiate vodka or tequila shots using the logic that it's International Lesbians birthday and I'm finally in the right time zone to join the celebrations, stern withering looks are to apply. (don't worry IL, I'll try REAL hard on that one!)

If I start to say, "oh what the hell, sleep is so over rated", I am to be removed immediately.

Otherwise, it's going to be a HUGE HOT night and I plan on spending as much time as possible on the dance floor. Also there is to be a fire poi show at midnight so make sure you are all there by then.........

Random Stats

200 punters on the floor and not one hot Lesbian amongst them. What are the odds of that then?

'Roid Rash

A kind reader has asked about my workouts of late. The reason there have been no gym updates is because there has been no gym. In the last six weeks I have been hammered on and off with the flu and it's infinite variations and residues. As soon as I feel better and manage a few days at work and a gentle run, wham back it hits. I have spent more time off work in September than at work.

I appear to be keeping my Doctors BMW running as well. I find it quite annoying to visit the Doctor and they say "if you're not feeling better by the end of the week come back". So back I duly trot only to be charged full price again. Hello, I paid you on Monday and you didn't fix me, why should I pay again, and again, and again.

I have now been on a long course of antibiotics and a short course of steroids, a week on leave and I'm almost feeling better, though still constantly amazed at how much mucous the human body can produce.

Besides the sudden growth in facial hair, and the odd desire to scratch my balls, I seem to have developed a rash on my right shoulder from the steroids, which of course I am totally bereft about. I have a Big Night Out on Saturday and my new skimpy piece of pink deliciousness to wear so I don't want any nasty looking ick's on my shoulder, and the redness of it clashes with my tattoo. I think I may have to invest in some of those baby mitten things to sleep in.

I of course am just bursting to get back to the gym or go for a run. I have my new running shoes to test out but so far all they get to do is sleep with me at night while I whisper lovingly "not long now, not long". I broached the subject of a workout with friends on Sunday but ended up promising solemnly not to do anything at all until all the medications are finished. I thought they were going to tie me to the chair. (swoon)

Not long now, not long.

The Final Chapter

So now we have the closing chapter on this current segment of the life of NSBG. She has requested a new acronym and all I can think of is her true name so from now she will be Ms Gotlucky.

Saturday evening she departed for Hong Kong and her new adventures with International Lesbian, though of course being Ms Gotlucky leaving couldn't be a smooth and simple exercise. I happened to be in town late that day and thought if I can get a park easily I will run in for a quick goodbye cuddle. As fate would have it there was a park at the front door, fate was needed.

I got up to her apartment at 5.10, knowing full well that the taxi was booked for 6.00. Her parents were there along with others. In the seven years I have known Ms Gotlucky it is the first time I have met her Mother, in that brief meeting so many things became crystal clear. However I digress. My first question was "have you packed?", to which the answer was "No!".

We then moved to the bedroom and attempted the task, and I can honestly say that by 5.35 all four suitcases were fully packed, International Lesbians notice boards all strapped for delivery, and I was busying myself reading the till dockets from the final shopping spree at D'Vice. I must say that is one business that is going to financially notice the departure of Ms Gotlucky from these shores.

I then had to leave to prepare for dinner guests, and left Ms G frantically searching for her flight ticket as she still wasn't 100 % sure of the times. Got home to find International Lesbian on line who agreed with me, why the 4 suitcases when all she really needed was her handbag, passport and of course the notice boards that one just CANNOT buy in Hong Kong.

And just realised, sorry Cactus, forgot to send a new supply of peanut slabs, oh well, maybe they'll share some of the D'Vice booty with you instead.

More Whitewash

A dear reader sent me a link to a poll on a major American lesbian blog where American lesbians have voted for their top 100 women, in the manner of Sports Illustrated et al.

The results of the poll are here. I must say that this just confirms the complete whitewash job being done on Americans and American lesbians if this is who they think are the hottest women of the year. You will see that 94% of them conform to one stereotypical image, and that is slim airbrushed Hollywood starlet. Is this truly what American lesbians want their women to look like?

There are only 4 images that even hint at gender bending, and from those I can now see why they think Ellen de Generes is "butch". They have also included what must be the worst picture ever of Jackie Warner. This woman has a hot body, tho a bit thin for my taste, yet the top 100 has a nasty facial close up.

But, BUT, the most upsetting thing of all is that the most absolutely totally HOTTEST American woman of all, the goddess Jillan Michaels is not on the list at all! Now I know that there are squillions of American lesbians out there who are interested in Jillian because this blog gets hammered by them daily searching to see if she is gay. 

So if you are all so deeply interested in her, why is she not on the list?