Where's the Contraception?

Last night while waiting for the new ginger haired boy show to start I ended up watching the "Mitre 10 Dream Home" show, only because the initial story on 60 Minutes was too heart wrenching for me to bear, being the mother of 2 teenagers addicted to text.

Part way into the Dream Home show the contestants met with a bank representative to work out what they could afford on a mortgage, in case they were not the lucky winners and shock horror had to PAY for their house. Bank girl quickly went through a few normal financial questions, and all their responses were aired. The blue team were boringly normal but the yellow team left me gobsmacked.

Now I know I'm verging into Cactus country here but I was shocked. When asked what the husbands income was, the response was $15.50 per hour, the wife's income was nil. They were then asked what their family assistance was and the response was $475 per week.

I do support parts of WFF, well the parts that apply to me, and I do feel that full time working parents should have some form of tax relief, standard in other countries including HK and Australia. I am a single parent in full time employment supporting myself and one child receiving no child support, or any state assistance. I get a modest little tax credit under WFF, but even after that I still pay well over $200 per week in tax which I used to think helped to run 1 pensioner, and felt ok about that as eventually it will be my turn.

However, as the show progressed, and the interiors of the houses were finished the couple were given a "special gift" from the presenter, this being a beautiful (she says with her finger down her throat) framed family photograph. Now this is where I got totally poleaxed. The yellow teams family photo had Mum, Dad and 6 children in it, 4 of which were toddlers. Holy Fuck!!

Hello.....do I need to say anything else.......

Both parents in the yellow team had student loans but I guess neither thought to study contraception. I am now having incredibly nasty thoughts along the lines of "I hope they lose". Why should they be rewarded for having 6 children on no income and relying on my tax dollars to survive. If they can figure out how to enter the show, surely they can figure out how to stop breeding.

Lesbian Loser

While watching TV last night I had one of those flashes of brilliance that one tends to get at the end of the third beer, and the result was a fully formed concept of a fabulous reality show.

As you know for many reasons I'm a big fan of "The Biggest Loser", and yes I DID watch the one series that Jillian wasn't in, and I'll even watch the new Oz one when it airs, even though it contains neither Jillian or Bob, however I digress. My new reality show is "The Lesbian Biggest Loser".

Now obesity is a problem in the lesbian community, as many dykes seem to use being gay as a reason to eat all the pies. I have lightly touched on this topic before as I can't understand why being a dyke for many means giving up all concern for their appearance, and yes I publicly admit that I'm deeply shallow and want to feel that I am attractive to all genders. However again I digress.

The format for this show is exactly the same as the current format, that is having 3 teams with 3 trainers being, Barbie, Jillian, and Jackie, or should I say straight, possible, and totally out.

Now don't you all think this is just a great idea!! I can see lesbians queuing up to take part, gosh I'd even consider eating to extreme just to get a place, oh but then I'd have to face the dilemma of "who would I prefer to train me?".

So maybe one of my dear American readers may like to pitch this idea to NBC, as a credit I'll take a week of workouts with Jillian.......no maybe Jackie.......oh, but then Barbie could be amusing..... but then if I had Jillian she might be all forceful and yell at me loudly.......but then Jackie.......oh, oh.......

Tuesday Stats

I have just had a look at my site stats and yet again on a Tuesday night "is Jillian Michaels a Lesbian" has hit the number 1 spot in the keyword analysis. Why is this? It always peaks on a Tuesday night but then by Friday, when I would expect it to peak after the Biggest Loser has aired, the keyword stats are back at " Lesbians with penis" and "Wet Lesbians". Very odd, but still strangely interesting.

However, I will leave you with another wee "Air Hostess" shot that has come my way.....

Yet again evidence that you average Lesbian is very very short.

Hangover Squared

We had two parties to go to this last weekend and thus spent much of Sunday wondering if it was wise to get a second hangover as a cure for the first. I'm trying to decide if it's a hangover to the power of 2 therefore hangover squared, or hangover to the power of hangover thereby being hangover cubed. Whichever, it's not pretty.

Party number 2 was a costume party and I did so well with my trolley dolly costume that some guests thought I really was one of them. I did even better at being the perfect hostess, that at one point I introduced two people only to be told, it's ok, we're flatmates. Hummph....bloody lesbian flats, playing musical beds, how is one supposed to keep up.

All in all it was fun party, but not according to the back neighbour as at 11.45 pm he decided to get out his garden hose and attempt to dampen every one's spirits. Alas, his plan backfired as of course several of the butch lesbians, namely those in firefighter and rescue service outfits, decided to fight back much to the amusement of all. It really was horribly unfair of the neighbour as the music was extremely quiet, to the point where noise control would have laughed had they have been summoned.

Of course me being me there has to be a wee bit of gossip, and that is......the threesome is back! I have touched on them before, and they are back in New Zealand for a 1 year trial.

In my previous post they were referred to as Alpha, Grumpy and Puppy by the dear Mrs Smith, but from henceforth they are now Alpha, Leather and Puppy. Alpha and Leather were the only two at the party as Puppy isn't due to arrive in the country till today. As said this was a costume party, well actually a uniform party. Alpha and Leather were fully dressed up, the only difference being that they were wearing their own clothes. Leather, well I need say so no more, just think cliche image from top to toe. Alpha was more interesting, from a fashion perspective that is. She was wearing a green camo skirt, somewhat kilt inspired, with a black top that was very reminiscent of some early 80's Westwood/McLaren bondage gear that they used to sell in the Worlds End shop. Finished off with the obligatory combat boots. I look forward to the impact this crew is going to have on the delicate Wellington lesbian scene, especially Leather in her full outfit. Methinks the boys are going to be drooling as well.

I also look forward to introducing them to baby AV techie dyke. Please see the final comment on the post I've linked to above and you'll get my drift. Naturally I am very interested in how the dynamic of their relationship works, and is it similar or different from philosophy that techie dyke proposes.

Watch this space.

Bye Bye Leg Wax?

Don't know if any of you caught this story on John-boys show last night but I'm gutted.

The spa owner in question has a habit of doing silly things to her computer till it says NO, I'm not going to play anymore, then comes and gets me to fix it and make it happy again. For doing these little helpful tasks I get free waxes, eyebrow tints and massages from her geisha girls. You know, that's how the green economy works.

I do fully believe she's as guilty as sin, and her latest shipment of geisha's have been just wonderful, so of course they should not be treated a slave labour. But, since this is all about ME, I now fear for the future of my free treatments.

(mutter mutter, yes I know, on a deeply personal political level I should be boycotting her altogether, but, but, but....)

Is Jillian Michaels a Lesbian?

This question is asked a lot by many people around the world. I find when my site meter shows a visitor from a very odd place they are usually asking this question and even more oddly quite regularly on a Tuesday night this question peaks on my keyword analysis.

I have now decided that Jillian Michaels definitely is a lesbian and I back my claim with the following evidence.

• She is never seen in public with a male escort or any escort, very much in the style of Jodie Foster, and keeps her personal life extremely private.
• She opened a gym with very publicly out Jackie Warner.
• She turned up on the current series of Biggest Loser in full leathers on a HUUUGE motorbike

But the most compelling evidence of all which finally made up my mind, is.........last night on The Biggest Loser she wore a fluffy lined denim jacket EXACTLY the same as the one my girlfriend wears.

Now, my girlfriend is the epitome of androgynous soft butch lesbian, with muscles the same as Jillian's ( I would put up a picture of my girlfriend but she would probably beat me up, swoon). So if any woman wears the same clothes that my girlfriend wears then she's definitely a dyke.

Creepy? Not Creepy?

On Saturday morning I wandered off down the hill the get some coffees from the best coffee shop in the world, a fairly regular weekend activity, get coffee, catch up on local gossip with the regulars, visit the library, avoid the lovely pastries calling to me from the Greek cafe.

When I was part way down the hill I felt someone walking alongside me, so I turned and looked then moved so he could pass me, however instead of passing he started to talk, well beg really. He asked me out on a date.

"I would like to take you out", he said "I've seen you around a lot and I'd like to take you out for a coffee".

I very nicely said thank you to him and explained that I lived with a woman. "Oh", he said, "is that how you are?".

Doh! I refrained from saying, but instead told him that predominantly yes and most definitely yes at this point in time.

"But I would still like to take you out", he said, "maybe a movie or for a drink sometime".

Again I politely thanked him for asking but declined his kind offer, then carried on my coffee mission laughing to myself thinking I may be old, but I can still pull! I told coffee boy and girl the story which they thought was hilarious and made references to barking and incorrect trees.

When I started the walk home I found myself taking a different route so as to avoid the section of road where he stopped me, and later when I went for a run I again avoided that section of the street. This is the street that I live in.

Now I have found over the intervening days that I am on the alert whenever I'm doing things in my lovely city fringe suburb, looking out for someone watching me. To start with I thought it was amusing and how very brave he was to ask a stranger out, but now I'm having slightly creepy thoughts.

Your thoughts readers?

Icelandic ramblings

I've just been having a wee look at my ever so intriguing site meter stats, something I'm getting quite obsessed with, lovely little word and number statistics that keep changing. Gosh I'd better watch out or the next thing you know I'll be asking Mr Farrar for a job. However, I digress.

I see that I had a reader yesterday from Reykjavik in Iceland. (it's ok, I won't tell that your were searching on "lesbian wet dreams"). As you know I have a wee soft spot for Iceland and a few things Iceblock, so I've decided to honour my new reader by giving them a competition.

Please go and look at this post and see if you can guess what fjord I'm standing in. Your prize? Well lets see if you can guess the fjord first........

The email that wasn't sent.

Dear dumbfuckpropertymanagementltd,

Please find attached a copy of my bank statement covering the period 11 August 2006 which shows that the automatic payment for my rent went into your account as usual. Will you please contact your bank and let me know why you allegedly haven't received this.

I must say I am totally gobsmacked that you have never contacted me about this alleged non payment, and that I only found out by accident when I contacted you on another matter. May I remind you that it is your duty and obligation under the act to keep accurate records of tenants rent payments, and if a non payment occurs it is also your duty to take all steps to recover the money within a reasonable time, and to advise the tenant of this, not let them find out inadvertantly 18 months later. Oh, but property management is your business so I shouldn't need to quote the relevant sections of the act to you, however you may wish to have a quick glance at sections 29 and 30 of the Tenancy Act 1986.

I also wonder at the state of your accounting systems. Yes, I know I never completed my Business Studies degree, but goodness balancing a ledger to a bank statement really is kindergarten grade accounting. I'm now wondering who's rent ledger has benefited from my payment.

As you know, I took the time to create a spreadsheet for you to match to your ledger to make it easier for you to find your mistake, and your response to that was to ring me and ask "what it is again that I am looking for?" I have also had to incur expenses getting bank statements from an account that has been closed for over a year.

I would like you to treat this matter with some urgency, but history shows me that no matter how many flags, red exclamation marks or any other bells and whistles that I attach to this email, you will probably not respond in less than a week. So yet again I have set my calendar to go bing in a weeks time to do a follow up with you, a follow up that will include a cc to Tenancy Services.

I'm wondering if this sloppy standard of management is the result of menopause, if thats the case when my time comes it will be HRT by the bucket load.

Yours notveryrespectfully

Rather Disgruntled Tenant.

Addendum 24 hours later: Even though I only sent the very very gentle version of this email I got a response the same day, possibly due to a mention of Tenancy Services though I suspect due to gross embarassment. Yes, they now admit that the money is showing in their bank statement of that date and hadn't been credited to my rent.

This has me squirming because all I can think is "how did they balance, they can't have balanced". I suspect 2 options,

1: Their accounting practices are so slack that the concept of balancing the rent ledgers to the bank statement is totally foreign to them, or

2: They do do a reconciliation which means someone else had my rent credied to their account and now THEY have a problem to deal with.

How can they sleep at night if their numbers aren't all tidy?

Who needs the L word.....

.......when you have real life!! You may need a pencil and a bit of paper to keep track of this post, if I get time I will put up a flowchart.

Lets head back in time to mid November. We went to a wee dinner at a friends house before heading out to hit the dance floor. One of the other guests at table this evening was Ms C. During the evening Ms C was receiving a lot a texts that made her frown and she left early. I was then informed that Ms C had been involved with Ms D for some time, but had just ended the relationship as it "wasn't working for her", but Ms D wasn't happy hence the heavy texting.

Fast forward 2 weeks to another dinner party at the same house. Again Ms C was in attendance but this time she had the company of Ms S, and they looked so sweet in that fresh new phase of checking on each other, making sure they had drinks etc. It is also interesting to note that they were a femme/femme couple, which is quite a rare occurrence.

When I spoke with my hostess at a later date asking after Ms C and Ms S I was told that they had actually met sometime earlier in the year when they were both involved with others, and could feel that they wanted to get hot and heavy together. Now being upstanding legalette types they felt that they had to be single to explore this attraction further so they both ended their current relationships, hence texts in para 2 above. At that point Ms S was involved with Ms R, and I am told that this relationship came about because when Ms S 'came out' Ms R was the only lesbian she knew so they ended up together. That breakup was said to be very VERY nasty and fraught.

So now we have Ms C and Ms S exploring their attraction and Ms D and Ms R out in the cold. Lets fast forward again through Xmas and January and come to the first lesbian dance event of the year on the 7's weekend.

A small digression here to address the question "How do you know if you are HOT?". The answer of course is; when you leave a dance club at 2am and pass the junior league in the street who then proceeds to prostrate herself on the pavement and beg, nay implore in a very eloquent and impassioned speech for you to return to the club with her, even though you have reminded her that you are older than her Mother. Suffice to say it was a 4am finish which may account for me missing the next vital part of the original story.

So on Sunday afternoon when doing the dissection of the night before with my girlfriend, she asked if I had seen a woman, whom she thought was Ms S, draping herself all over Ms P (yes I know another new character, use the pencil, and be glad I haven't touched on Ms S.2.2 and the flatmate and her lookalike!). I hadn't, but that was probably due to the fact that my brain cells were a bit rearranged and my body would have been on auto pilot, meaning it would have propelled me at all times away from Ms P in light of her profession.

Fast forward, for the last time, to dinner last weekend chez moi with the hostessi from para's 2 and 3, and the topic of Ms C and Ms S came up. It turns out is WAS Ms S draped all over Ms P, with the implication that they had met at the para 3 dinner, and they are now an item with an odd little synthesis going on with their professions as well. Ms C is back with Ms D, so it's only Ms R thats left out in the cold, though no one seems too perturbed by that.

Incestuous lesbian community, Never! This weekend is a house warming party at the home of Ms S.2.2 and her flatmate, finally a chance to figure out who is the flatmate and who is the imposter, which many of these women will be attending. Now that they have finally settled into their twosomes one hopes no reshuffling occurs before Saturday, because it really is quite tedious trying to keep up. I'm sure though that after this post has been read I will be ostracised and have to spend all night in the corner talking with the gay boys.

To be continued..........