Gosh I've been quiet of late

Probably because I've been strangely busy in an odd way. On Saturday night I managed to kill one of the computers on my floor, tick done only one more to go. So for the last 3 days I've been running round with a dodgy laptop, setting up temporary internet connections to clear mail, shuffling data around servers, pc's and USB keys in an effort to keep 3 people working on 2 computers. And during all that dealing with a client who's laptop won't put out to a second screen, doh, don't you think it's a good idea to check that BEFORE you come to your meeting, another client who's laptop totally refused to play a DVD, because, well, it just wasn't in the mood, and then someone who scanned a 5 page document with the resolution set so high it became and 18mb file which they then proceeded to email to my coordinators office. My poor little newbie was blissfully unaware of the size of the file and set it to print thus jamming up the printer and her pc for 20 minutes before finally saying help......

I am a Conference Manager, this is not in my job description. If I'm going to be used as a geek I would like to be paid as a geek.

On a completely different tangent I received a lovely gift on the weekend, one of those things that you never realised you wanted so badly until it is actually given to you, and then you are suddenly filled with desire. I was very kindly given a copy of the new Clive James book Cultural Amnesia. I am so pleased but have yet to start reading it as it is still sitting at the altar, along with the vacuum cleaner, and being admired from the couch.

And on that note I had a visit last night from my friend who is not brave enough to blog yet, and at least 40% of our conversation over the evening was about vacuum cleaners. Now who's the sad fukker here?

Lesbians, penis envy and other related matters

On Monday morning baby dyke AV techie girl came into my office for a download. She said her girlfriend had kicked her out on Friday night, but then on Saturday morning once her bags were packed and she was ready to go her girlfriend changed her mind, in true lesbian fashion.

When I asked why she was kicked out her response was,

"because I wanted to spend the night with a boy, what, does she think she owns me or something?"

Doh! Yes,of course she does, you're living with a LESBIAN!

It made me think back to when I was baby dyke's age and the whole gender issue became all too hard. My response was to just give up on the sex bit all together and focus on drugs and rock 'n' roll. Oddly after 2 years of celibacy I still hadn't solved the gender issue, but as I'd not really given it any thought, to be expected.

So now it seems that 20 years down the line trying to have your cake and eat it too is still not acceptable in the lesbian world. I could fully understand why my ex husband wasn't too keen on my idea of staying with him and having a girlfriend as well, being as he was old school, and would no doubt have tortured himself with thoughts of "maybe the girl sex is better than sex with me?", which of course was true, but I honestly did think the younger generation were a bit more open. Not so apparently.

I guess one would have to have an "open" relationship to be able to play on both sides of the fence without hurting anyone.However in my limited observation of open relationships it seems that one person gets to sleep with whomever they currently fancy while the other seethes silently and keeps the razor blades handy, all the while professing that they are truly comfortable with the situation, honestly.

As a little aside I met a "threesome" earlier this year who were in NZ for a wee holiday and all staying at Mums. They were made up of the alpha dyke in her sharp chic London clothing, all chunky jewellery and edgy haircut. Then there was the baby dyke Londoner, young and fresh and bouncing around like a new puppy, and finally alpha dyke's original girlfriend with her shaved head and grumpy attitude. Not too hard to figure who called the shots, but what I really wanted to know was; what are the sleeping arrangements? Did they all share equally? Did grumpy get to play with puppy as much as alpha did? Who got to sleep in the middle? And many many more equally inappropriate questions.

So why are lesbians still paranoid about the odd shag with the male of the species. Where is it written that because you're involved with a woman it means you have to give up all male sex, or the attitude that you're not a "true" lesbian if you sleep with boys. As I tell my male friends, when it comes to sex why discount half the worlds population simply because of genitalia. I know there's many a heterosexual male out there who would just loooove for his girlfriend to occasionally have sex with another woman, why does it not work in reverse?

Why is sex a gender issue?

HELP, I need a makeover desperately

Recently I was involved in making a training video for the D.O L and I've just viewed the finished product. I have no idea what the video was about as I was too devastated at the way I looked.

My face was pale, no lippy, the back of my hair a mess, just awful awful awful. The only consolation is that at least I didn't look fat.

So Trinny, Susannah, even 10 years younger in 10 days, please come and help me, I promise to be a willing subject.

And NO, I will not be supplying the link so you can view it on line.

Icky Icky Icky

I just had to show you all this. This is a creation of His Holiness of Ick-ebana, it received major applause when he completed it yesterday.

Please note the special features of the dirt clinging to the celery and the piece de resistance, the labels still attached to the grapefruit. This has been the highlight of the week.

Thus ends my sad series on Ick-ebana, I'm sure the Map conference I have next will be infinitely more interesting.

I love my coffee girls

While getting my second caffeine hit this morning the coffee girls were discussing my age. As it was my birthday last week they have just found out my true biological age.

Apparently they were gob smacked as they had pegged me for at least 15 years younger. Bless, and their wages aren't even in my budget.

I told them my youthful looks were the result of all the drug taking in my well spent youth.

Another thing to thank the punk rock generation for.

Thwarted

I was going to attempt another vacuuming session after my run last night but was thwarted.

I fear the new toy may get put away in a safe place and rationed to me somewhat like the internet is with the child.

Come blog with me....

I'd suggested to a friend he should start blogging as our email exchanges amuse me greatly. This is his response.

I don''t think that the blogging world is ready for me just yet...or vice versa...though it is tempting I worry about the risk of the ultimate social crime - drinking and emailing; that's right, worse than wifebeating, smacking your children, doing party pills and voting National while talking on your cellphone, eating, drinking and driving a rav 4 AT THE SAME TIME.
There's just no knowing where it might end.
How did the wedding go, in the end? Everyone catch a fish?

Please join us, please....I won't tell the wife.

2 New Lust Objects.....

Well really it's one new lust object and one new toy. As you know it was my birthday over the weekend and now that the alcohol haze has cleared I can focus enough to show off my goodies. Please see below, and apologies that it's only a pixt but that's all there is!

This red bag, which of course the image just doesn't do justice too, was a gift from my beloved. It is a Briarwood and really is just too pretty for words. I don't usually go lustful over handbags, clothes and shoes spin my wheels, but this item is just too special for words. I finally understand.

The other item, which I don't have a pixt of, was not actually a birthday present but it gave me such joy that it can be included in this post. After months of research and general pondering my girlfriend finally went out and on impulse bought a new vacuum cleaner.

We went out to buy a specific brand and type, of a specific price, but came back with an item that was completely different technology and 3 times the price. Guess which salesman got the "sale of the day" award.....but I'm so happy. This is the "Tim the Toolman Taylor" of vacuum cleaners...more power! When it is running it sounds like a cross between a chainsaw and a high end food processor, you can see the dirt molecules shaking as it approaches.

I then spent the rest of the day vacuuming. Those who have been to our house and seen the oceans of salmon coloured carpet and met the cats will know why I am so overjoyed. I haven't put it away in the cupboard yet, I am still admiring it's beauty. I am tempted to vacuum the cat.

and the wedding day finally arrives

So today is the day of the children's fathers wedding and dammit it's fine and sunny, tho still a few hours to go.

I've already had a wee text exchange with number 1 daughter quoting "isn't it ironic, don'tcha think" to each other. Oooh I love the way she understands subtlety.

However a few ironic thoughts. The Bridegroom has conveniently forgotten to tell the girls that he and their new step mother are going to Fiji for a week, and now a state of martial law has been declared.

The Father still can't understand why the budget for clothes wasn't enough and why they both needed new undergarments for their dresses. Does one assume the Bride is wearing her "everydays" under her dress?

At the last minute I was informed to make sure they had warm coats with them as it "will be cold by the river at 5pm". Hulloooo, I've spent all this time and energy getting lovely little evening dresses for them and now they are to be rugged up!! Pashminas to the rescue.

However I do hope the girls have a great time, and I'm looking forward to hearing their descriptions of the food, clothes and venue.

A wee blonde moment

One more wee tit bit from my night out at the Great Chefs dinner, yes I know my life is so sad that one night out breeds many months of blog posts, bloody children is all I can say.

There was a hearty blonde as part of our group at table and as we were leaving our pre drinks venue I explained my drinking tactics for the evening to her, as I have attended many of these events before and have learnt how to last the night.

I told her my plan was to consume as much of the bubbles as I possibly could, then a mere sip or three of the following whites, and leave the reds to the male of the species. That sounds like a good plan she said, and when we arrived she promptly tottered off and secured us lashings of bubbles.

I forgot one important point when explaining the tactics to her, the limited concentration span of a blonde. I see now in hindsight that her brain had switched off at the end of the phrase "drink as much bubbles as possible"

It was not a pretty sight.

More Bloody Soccer

Not only was the park on the edge of civilisation but once the games started I found that the boys games were located very conveniently to the car park so viewers could sit in the comfort of their car.

No such creature comforts for the girls.The one and only girls game was on a pitch at the most extreme edge of the park, with vast fields of wasteland between the boys games and theirs. I can see the powers that be are really trying their hardest to keep girls involved in the game.

And whats with the fukkin umbrellas? Once the skies opened I had to make a mad dash for the car, partially because I didn't want to get wet, but mainly because I couldn't see anything through the fukkin enormous umbrellas that all the hearty family types were wielding. A bit too bloody "Country Life" for my liking.

Oh yes, and the lovely sign......"we're a clean air park and would appreciate you not smoking", but it seems that it's ok to take your dogs, and the count was 2 per person, to shit everywhere.

The coffee sucked as well.