No Smoking

Hair dryers are not meant to smoke, I'm sure I'm 100% correct in saying that. Bloody thing, it played perfectly fine yesterday yet today when I flicked the switch it went crackle, pop, hiss, and then just to totally show off made a nasty smell and a plume of smoke.

I am bereft, a hairdryer is a femmes equivalent of a butches power tool. I do have the advanced child abuse hair straighteners hidden away somewhere, but they're not the same.

I fear my lovely Christmas vouchers are no longer going to be turned into new lingerie.

New Goal

As you all know for purely shallow reasons I greatly admire Jillian Michaels, in much the same way that Cactus does Dan Carter, and in this blog I have frequently queried Jillians sexuality.

It appears that I am not the only lesbian on the planet who wonders as to the goddesses gender preference as this site gets hit hundreds of times every day by people asking the question "is Jillian Michaels gay ?"

It appears the answer is YES!

I have recently received a comment on an old post saying that yes Jillian is gay, and yes as I have surmised she dated Jackie Warner, and, that Jillian has just broken up with her current girlfriend. And cos I'm feeling tetchy today I'm not going to link to the blog post, you can all go searching for it. I did ponder briefly if the comment was genuine or a pisstake, but I reason that as over 30,000 women have been here in the last year asking "the" question, and that this is the first comment that has been left, I am taking it as true, and bless the other commenter's who are now so concerned that Jillian's privacy has been invaded.

So German Lufthansa long haul airline pilot, I know that you have one attribute that no other has, and that is being taller than I, but sorry darling, it's all over.

I now have a whole new focus for my positive affirmations.

I'm now seriously considering selling the child to raise the funds to get to Los Angeles to start the wooing process. Oooh, wonder how many personal training sessions I would have to purchase to get to the first date. Swoon, swoon. I'd even do abs for Jillian.

Where Did I Go Wrong?

The child has an athletics team barbeque this evening and has to "take a plate". Now most teenagers would ask for a pack of sausages or a bag of crisps with a punnet of dip. Not this one apparently.

What has she requested.........pesto palmiers! And yes the house slave has them in the oven cooking right now.

Help......again

Once again I'm asking you lot for help. Silly, silly me set the iPod up on my work pc, and have sorted and filed all my tunes on there and loaded it onto the iPod. I did this thinking I would just be able to upload all the tunes from the iPod onto the laptop, however after over an hour of trying and searching manuals and the Apple site I can't seem to find a way to do it.

The only option I can see is to manually transfer all the music files as mp3's from the pc to the laptop, then once again file, tidy, and recreate my playlists to mirror the pc....oh tedium, tedium.....

And too funny. While writing this I had a call from a lovely geek girl, Whaleoil had asked her to call me about our work email issues. Bless, I love the cyber world, however after chatting with her it seems I am going to have to do the tedium method.

Oh bloody bloody lovely sexy iPod, why can't I upload from you?

Open Invitation

The girls are having a Big Night Out tomorrow, so come along, the more the merrier.

We're meeting at S & M's around 10'ish then on to Club Ivy later on to test out the dance floor.

See you all there.

Oh, and for those who don't know the rules, if you wish to talk with me a glass of bubbles is the best way to attract my attention, the better quality of the bubbles the more I'll talk.

Suggestions Please

Yes I know I'm bleating on and on about the new toy, but it's given me so much pleasure that I have to keep talking about. And NO to you new readers I'm not referring to a D'Vice toy but the new iPod. You must realise that the last personal player I owned, although it was also red, only played magnetic tape.

I took it for it's first run on Monday, and after a few minutes of battling the flapping wires and figuring how to thread it through my singlet, we were away. Oh bliss. It's so odd how much easier it seems to run with your own tunes plugged in your ears, though a few times I did have to resist the urge to wave my hands in the air or play air guitar. Must also make my playlists a tad longer.

However, I have struck one small problem for which your suggestions would be most welcome. When I hit the 5k mark the earpieces start to slide out of my ears due to sweat, and again NO the answer is not to run less than 5k as that is just a warm up. I've thought about getting the overhead earphones, but then wouldn't be able to put my cap on when running outside. And Otter, before you mention it I'm not even going to consider gaffa'ing them to my head, as much as I loooove gaffa tape I have no intention of running round looking like one of those rugby players about to shove his head between the legs of another sweaty male.

So, ideas anyone?

Girl Logic

And it's about shopping of course.

I went to the new Apple store across the road to look at accessories for my new toy, as I needed one of the arm bands thingies so I could safely take it running, having learnt the hard way what happens if you don't have one.

The nice boy showed me the products they have in store and after looking at the price tags I had to have a little sit down and a wee cup of tea to recover. Not wishing to attempt heart failure again I waited a day or two before looking in other stores.

I tried a large Australasian chain sports store, but the product they had was not pretty and not much cheaper. Finally yesterday I went to trusty Duck Smuffs and voila I was in luck.

Not only did they have a choice of products but the price was so favourable that I was able to purchase an arm band AND a dvd player for only a tenner more than what I didn't pay in the Apple store!! Excellent shopping skills methinks.

21st Century Communication

As you know my family is a very modern 21st century split family. Number 2 daughter lives with me in Wellington, and number 1 daughter attends boarding school in the same city as her Father and the Stepmother. That's his version of parenting.

The main method of communication between myself and the children is by text, as they are teenagers and that is their main form of communication with everyone. I buy them a $10 top up each month which they use for whatever deals they have on their phones. Both of them have deals that give them 2000 plus text a month, but of course restricted only to phones on the same network. The Father is on the other network, and his employer picks up all his phone bills.

Mummy of course is wise and cautious and uses a plan that gives her only 500 texts a month to all networks, and this is where the 21st century bit comes in.

Mummy is now the telephone exchange. When a child needs to contact the Father they text Mummy saying, "please get Dad to call me". Mummy then texts the Father and says, "please phone whichever daughter". In fact most texts from myself to the Father say only that, except for the one last night which reads," why the fuck is your daughter sitting in her car in the driveway of her own house and can't get in because your fukking wife won't let her have a key to her own home."

Funnily I've had no reply to that one.

grrr...Grrr....GRRR

I haven't been able to lift weights for the last few weeks due to work and a wee shoulder/neck problem. I'm now having physio for that so no weights till I get the all clear.

Now I have managed to injure my lower back, bloody work again, and have just been to physio for that and have been banned from running also.

This is not good, I do not cope well with no exercise. I need my regular endorphin fix to be at peace with the world. I fear the staff are going to bear the brunt, and if they think I'm grumpy now they've got a whole new level coming.

Oooh, just realised that neither physio has told me I can't swim. I'm sure I can put up with the constant dripping sinus reaction to the pool chemicals, a small price to pay for an endorphin fix.

Angelic ?

......and so the party season begins.......

.......not a trace of tarnish in sight!

Vote Now!

It's not very often that the unpclesbian tells people to vote, but in this case it's very important.

The lovely people over at Wellingtonista are having their annual awards for all things good in Wellington. One of the categories is best coffee, and as we all know my coffee boys are the best. So all you lovely readers head over there now and vote, and to make it easy you can just click here and you're already there.

So go now and vote, vote, vote!

Petrosexual Heaven

On Sunday I did a little road trip, and as this was in my pre i-Pod days I had to rely on magnetic tape and commercial radio stations for my sounds along the way, as the nana mobile has no cd player. Being an Active girl myself there was a lot of channel surfing as the hearty bonhomie of the dj's and excessive commercials just winds me up.

However, I did manage to catch one commercial that was on high rotate and it was advertising a petrosexual event, which now I find is apparently old news. Jeremy (swoon), Hamster and The Stig are coming to New Zealand for some form on Top Gear show in the new year. Now there's something to put on the Christmas wish list!

And on a completely different note, what I should be doing - the end of week invoices and end of month number crunching. What I have been doing - getting intimate with iTunes. I am now currently researching the BPM on all the music I have on this pc, as I have just discovered I can sort and create under this heading. I love new software and toys.

Child Abuse # 7

Though this really is child abuse from afar, or even child abuse by proxy.

When I returned to work this morning a Concierge boy was jiggling with excitement as he had a parcel for me. As first I thought the sperm donor had finally sent the Pinot Gris that he keeps promising, but no the box was too small. I opened the box to look at the packing slip, thinking it was for a client, then I got very confused as I saw a familiar name on the slip, also a wee note to tell me to stop whinging. I then looked at what was in the box and suddenly did a little dance of joy right there in the lobby.

There is a Santa Claus and she lives in Hong Kong. Cactus has sent me an i-Pod Nano, and to show how much class and taste this woman has, she's sent me a red one to match my phone. And to think she's not even gay!!

After an hour of admiring the lovely little box it is packed in, gosh even the packaging is stylish, I finally realised I would need to charge it up to make it go. That was when I discovered it has been inscribed on the back, which reads, "To the most un-PC of all. Children Keep Hands Off". I roared when I saw that, and have been chuckling on and off all day.

Oh, this is advanced child abuse and even exceeds the hair straightener game. I texted number 1 daughter to tell her, and the immediate response was "not fair" and that I have to give it to her as BOTH her mp3 players are sucky. Number 2 daughter is still at athletics in Canberra with no phone. She will not be happy when she sees it. I fear a whole new level of manipulation tactics form her when she returns.

So far I have managed to download the software and load all the music from this pc on to it. I am currently listening to "Anarchy in the UK" , because it starts with "A" and I haven't figured how to sort and file stuff yet. I must get that all under control before the child returns, as I'm not going to stoop to ask for help.

This is one happy little Lesbian.

The Short Life and Fast Times

.....and no I'm not referring to the biography of John Belushi written by the man who managed to bring the word impeachment into everyday vocabulary, but in fact I'm talking of your average Lesbian relationship.

Recently I have been on the outside looking in at the lightening speed creation, and equally as swift implosion of a lesbian relationship involving some friends, the fall out of the affair on others and the life changing moves made by those involved, and realised that all this has been driven by passion.

pas⋅sion

 /ˈpæʃən/ Show Spelled Pronunciation [pash-uhn] Show IPA Pronunciation
–noun

1.	any powerful or compelling emotion or feeling, as love or hate.

2.	strong amorous feeling or desire; love; ardor.

3.	strong sexual desire; lust.

4.	an instance or experience of strong love or sexual desire.

5.	a person toward whom one feels strong love or sexual desire.

6.	a strong or extravagant fondness, enthusiasm, or desire for anything: a passion for music.

Origin:
1125–75; ME (< class="ital-inline">passiōn- (s. of passiō) Christ's sufferings on the cross, any of the Biblical accounts of these (> late OE passiōn), special use of LL passiō suffering, submission, deriv. of L passus, ptp. of patī to suffer, submit; see -ion

Those are just a few of the definitions listed. I personally have made life altering changes all in the name of passion for another woman so fully understand the strength and intensity of the emotion, but now find myself wondering "do heterosexual couples feel this strongly?", as no man has made me feel as a woman does. I guess the answer to that is yes, as I know that one of my darling readers will comment that world wars have been started over passion.

I then get sidetracked along the path of why does one person inspire such depth of feeling in oneself, when another who seemingly has the same attributes doesn't? What modern marketing calls X factor, and the French call je ne sais quoi. Something we encounter everyday, one person irritates the fuck out of you, yet another who appears the same is your best friend.

However as usual I'm digressing, as of course with the title of the short life and fast times it seems that passion burns out. Why is this so? My own personal theory in the lesbian world is because of the second date syndrome. As I have mentioned before Lesbians very quickly go from first date to full on intense moving in together, as exhibited by my friends, then to implosion. I now strongly believe that the everyday kills passion, and the easiest way to kill and thoroughly deaden a passionate relationship is to move in together.

My current philosophy on things passionate and sexual is the chocolate box theory, and that is; I'm now going to eat the chocolates very, very slowly, one by one, and make the box last as long as possible, and all the while hoping it's a loaves and fishes box.

Small Pleaures

Sometimes it's the small things in life that give you so much pleasure. For me right now it's because I have finally found the perfect pair of trackies. Trinny and Susannah would be so pleased, they fit my arse perfectly, and I feel so hot in them I'd even consider wearing them OUT OF THE HOUSE.

Sadly though they are from one of the clearance stores currently operating in Willis street, so I guess they are an end of line. No worries, they are a major label, and now I know to look at Yoga pants I'm sure I can get more if needed.

On a completely different note, the child is off to Oz tomorrow to wear the black uniform for the first time and represent New Zealand at the Pan Pacific Games. Long jump (just like Mum) and relay are her events for anyone that wants to follow.

Bliss, a week of no hormonal teenager attitude is worth the horrendous 4am start tomorrow.

Child Abuse # 6

I have taken advantage of Telecoms latest offer, as it works well for the flatmates phone calls, the child's internet needs, and my economy. I now have 10 gig of broadband a month.

I have not told the child!

I am also still taking the vital cable in my handbag everyday so she still only has her allotted 1 hour per day usage. I wonder how long I can hold off telling her, and as her latest phone has died the internet has become even more vital in her life.

New Linen

Amongst other things over the last weeks i have been sourcing quotes for new table skirting. I have found a supplier who not only is 75% cheaper than all others but my contact has a brain and a sense of humour.

After a few days of talking dirty to each other he has had a short sample made up for me so I can see how it survives housekeeping and our dry cleaners playing with it. It arrived this morning and is now on it's way for it's stress test.

I must say though that I think it looks far better on myself than it ever will on the tables.

How to Star in this Blog

A dinner party invitation in Singapore with chauffeur driven transport each way would be a fairly good place to start. Though of course as gossip, scandal and intrigue are vital to this blog, one would need to guarantee a certain calibre of dinner party conversation, but I'm sure given recent events that is fairly easily done.

As my darling readers have noticed I've been a bit quiet of late, as that pesky stuff called work has been interfering with the more salacious parts of life. However this weekend sees a return to the partying, wining and dining, so I'm sure I'll have some stories to tell next week.

A bientot.....and since I haven't got a French keyboard you're just going to have to take it as read that the grave and circumflex are in place.

Unpclesbian Predicts

Last night I went to a fireworks watching party and found I spent the entire evening talking, ick ick, politics. What is wrong with me, too much Cactus and DPF I think.

Over the last few months I have been assuming that the government will change after this election mainly due to the fickle nature of the New Zealand voting public, and the unsubtle media campaign convincing them to think this way. However, with the result out of America I think I may be revising that assumption.

I know I am crediting your average voter with too much intellect to figure that Obama is the equivalent of the pinko's, but I'm sure some Labour media person will try and pitch that image over the next few days.

Really I am basing my revised assumption on a conversation with another guest last night, who oddly even tho her partner is "something in the Labour party", is as lackadaisical about voting as I. Her theory is that the majority of the great unwashed have absolutely no idea who they want running the place, turn up at the booth and think, "well they've been looking after the place ok for the last few years, it really hasn't been that bad, may as well give them the tick". Then they realise they have yet another box to tick and leave totally confused.

So here we go, Unpclesbian is now predicting that Labour may return by the most tiniest of margins, or that we will have a hung Parliament with the minor parties laughing all the way to the bank with the excessive power they now hold.

Theme of the Week

Too Bored to Blog

Due to some horse race, and an election (yawn) there has not been much exciting to blog about. Oh, I could mention month end, but excel spreadsheets and columns of numbers are not really spinning my wheels at the moment.

The most exciting news has been the child's first attempt at modelling for a hairdressers show, but she's banned me from from blogging about it. I will however say that Nana will be very pleased that they now have matching hair.

I do look forward to watching the fireworks tomorrow night from Ms S and Ms A's new pad.

Gutted

Yesterday I had to escort our future Prime Minister on to the floor to give a very long speech at the gig that is currently on. Unlike his visit two months ago this one had full security and an even larger media presence, one did have to ask the media to move away from the doors so the paying customers could get in. I was very grateful that I had thought to wear my Saga jacket and Minnie Coopers that morning.

Later in the evening I managed to get to the gym and treadmill in time for the news shows. I got very funny looks from the regulars when they realised I was turning the music channel OFF, and the news shows on as it's usually the other way round. So with my left eye on TV 3 and my right eye on TV 1 I did my run while trying to catch a glimpse of myself on the tele. Sadly it appears that the most interesting footage of the campaign yesterday came out of a shopping mall.

Gutted, what a waste of two layers of lippy.

Lesbian Guide to Decision08

As you know in her DomPost column today Cactus has covered the current crop of election candidates from a dating perspective. While researching for today's column on women she asked for my input, which I gave her, but she was only able to use one line from it, as apparently the DomPost isn't quite ready for the full Unpclesbian experience yet. Funny that.

Since I have sod all interest in politics, except as a fashion critiquing exercise, I approached my research as if it was a page on NZ Dating or even The Pink Sofa and recorded my reactions. I also canvassed a few friends and will note their comments as well. The candidate images I used are the ones on the Decision08 website. So party by party here we go.

National.
Hekia Parata: Looks nice and smiley and chirpy. Would have lot of appeal to many, though not I, a bit hearty and soccer Mumsy looking, would probably give a good team cheer after each orgasm.

Melissa Lee: Pretty little Asian woman, totally niche market. Is bound to definitely score in any town other than Auckland.

Greens.
Metira Turei: Hot short hair, could satisfy the androgynous market if she wiped off the lippy. However her image is next to that of Sue Bradford and I KNOW that Ms Bradford does not look as good as that publicity shot, so fear Metira could also be a case of false advertising.

Sue Kedgely: Will have absolute appeal to those wanting to shag a rich bitch, or at least one that looks like one. To quote friend research "There's something Dusty Springfield'esque about her, but apparently she's a thick as two short planks, but that's ok I don't want to talk about country of origin product labelling."

Lizzie Gillet: Has the "outdoors girl" look so will score high. Looks like she'd take her mountain bike to bed with her, and since oddly a lot of lesbians are bike riders, it's probably a good thing.

Linda Persson: The epitome of all that is sad in the lesbian world, this woman's picture should not be published.

Kath Dewar: Stoner girl, one would just hope that she remembers your name in the morning.

Labour.
Maryan Street: My flatmate thinks she is HOT, say no more. I just wish I could get the ick image of Nana sex out of my head. Friend comments are, "I can't really comment as she left my mate (her long term partner) for one of dear leader's aides. She wears sensible yet well made shoes and has a sexy voice. Sometimes that is enough."

Lianne Dalziel: Great shot, looks like she uses the same air brush technician as Dear Leader, one would then assume that she is a clit tease, all words no action. Go there if you want disappointment.

Jills Angus - Burney: Whats with the plural first name, is it to match the double barrel surname? She would definitely appeal to the quirky offbeat arty/ pseudo intellectual chick, but probably has lots of "issues". Double surname reeks of indecision as she probably thinks she's cool keeping her own name after marriage. She would probably do the deed but you would suffer for it for months after. Go there only if you like angst, and lots of it.

Anne Pankhurst: Just a lesbian "older woman" wet dream.

United Future.
Denise Krum: Looks like she'd have some appeal to your average Govt department middle of the road I don't want to stand out from the crowd lesbian. I personally would be unable to stop myself from obsessively staring at the ultra white teeth.

ACT.
Beryl Good: Gosh, can't you just see how tidily she'd put all the dildo's and sex toys away, colour and size coded and all very very clean. Go there only if you like being told what to do....precisely, to the millimetre.

Progressive:
Paula Gillon: Would have lots of appeal to the butches as she's your standard dreamy inoffensive blonde. Personally I like my women to be MEMORABLE, but she'd make a good butch accessory.

Elspeth Sandys: Bless. One could see that she would make good dinner party conversation, if only she could remember where she put the dinner, or if dinner is even on today. One would need to be careful to keep off certain subjects as they could possibly result in razor blade action.

Claire Main: Swoon. Where can I get a full size image of this girl. Though I must qualify that by saying the image on the site makes her look as if she has very short hair and very androgynous. If it's actually a tightly pulled back pony tail then delete immediately. Still a student, so much to young and doing, durrr, yawn yawn, political studies. One would need to be wary also as Mother is running for the same party, close Mother daughter bond could be off putting unless one was trying for the double.

So really, as reported by Cactus, the winner for me was "No Image Available", however there is one woman that I have not commented on, mainly because her image on the site did not provoke any reaction in me. I will report the friend comments, as it is true, this woman is HOT.

Louisa Wall: "She's tall dark and handsome. She used to be a netballer and has lovely hands. (That is polite lesbian speak for "Well Hung") She's a bona fide lesbian, but best of all she finally enticed my mate Ms *** to leave her husband after we had all spent years trying to bed her. She gets conversion points."

Told You So!

RATOS had asked me where I get my knives sharpened, and being the good hostess (yes another Girl Guide badge) I told her.

I did also warn her to be very cautious when she got the knives back as my man is very very good, I think he may have some obsessive compulsive axe murderer background that he keeps in check by knife sharpening.

I am now about to interrupt day 3 on the sofa to pick her up from accident and emergency. I have been assured that the extraneous fingertip has been removed from the pie mix.

Live Blogging from the Sofa

Yes, I'm into the second full day of doing nothing, 2 more to go!!

I have a new tune to play obsessively over and over. It's formulaic, trashy, with a killer hook and predictable 8 beat drop outs, and must be played loud and often. Makes my hips wiggle and my feet go straight to the dance floor, even if I'm in the gym.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HHhhcKxflMY

Grrr....tried to upload it so it's got the box and arrow thingy.......but all I have is a link. Will work on it.

Addendum, looked around a bit more and it says "embedding disabled by request", oh well learn something new blah blah.

Want My Turn

Our Purchasing Manager retires today and so far this morning all my requests have met with the response "No, Fuck off !".

I so yearn for the day when I can do that.

Sofa Is a Verb!

Yes, sofa is a verb and I'm sticking to it !!

When anyone asks what I am am doing this upcoming long weekend my response is "I am sofa'ing." Likewise, what did you do on Friday night, " I sofa'd."

I plan to sofa long and hard over the next 4 days with breaks only for food, alcohol, gym and maybe other stuff. I'm also taking home a laptop and 20 metre ethernet cable so I won't even have to move if I feel like surfing.

I have washed pink fluffy blanky, so it is all ready to join the remote collection for a weekend of hard out nothing. I do however fear a chocolate binge is imminent.

Getting Closer

NZM has truly been working hard on the case, and though she may not have managed to get the German goddesses flight schedules she has managed to get this lovely picture.

International Lesbian, cancel your New York tickets immediately and re book them on Lufthansa, it'll be worth it.

And on a completely unrelated note a couple more images for you. No this is not an explosion in a cable factory but in fact is what happens to ones office when you tell the staff to "put it in my office, it will be safe there"

I do so wish my German girl slave was still working for me, it never got to this state when she was here.

Limited Edition

Last weekend when I was out falling off my shoes while dancing with the wrong woman (and yes there is an untold story in there) it was International Lesbians birthday, a significant birthday in fact, and as is the style of the International set she held a party for her friends on an island off the coast of Thailand.

I have just received some photo's from the weekend, and must say DPF and Whaleoil even though I owe you big time I won't be publishing the photos of a hot tub full of lesbians, and one man.

As it was a significant birthday naturally International Lesbian received some great presents, one of which to me stands out above all others. She was given a one off, limited edition item of clothing from someone who obviously is extremely intelligent, with lashings of style and just ooozing class, and I am so impressed they were able to source this garment in the first place.

I have been given permission to publish an image of this garment.

Isn't it just divine.....oh and International Lesbian is pretty hot too!

Body Image

I had a conversation with a Recent Arrival To Our Shores recently about shagging different body types. The discussion had actually started on the topic of "fresh meat" on the market. She was telling me of a trip she'd had to the island of Lesbos earlier in the year, and how on her first visit to the beach she could literally hear the snapping of necks from the women in their eagerness to check out the fresh meat on the beach.

I, in my usual state of innocent gulliblity, was amazed that Lesbos was such a draw card and apparently is heaving with lesbian lesbians, not just Lesbos resident lesbians. However, the discussion moved on as RATOS described the average Greek womens body, they did not appeal to her. She then confessed that really there is only one body type (slim) that does it for her.

I then, in the spirit of keeping a good conversation going, shared that fact that yes I seemingly preferred one body type, and one could even say just one prime example of fine musculature, sad fukker, moving on......but I have over the years done considerable market research into the many and varied body types of women.

I also managed to totally gross RATOS out by telling her that I have shagged a very VERY large woman, all in the name of research of course, and I've now recalled that this woman was also my only experience of inverted nipples. I wonder what the statistics are on inverted nipples and would they correlate in any way to the uncircumcised:circumcised stats in the hetero world? Digression again.

So I have carried on pondering and have decided that other than in my dreams (see below) there IS one female body type that I have not shagged, and that is a woman taller than I. So all you tall lesbians out there, and I mean 5' 10" and over, I'm sure there must be at least 3 of you on the planet, here I am...waiting....waiting

Open Question

A large gold glittery themed ball, one room set for 210 for dinner and the next room set with a dance floor, flashing lights and other DJ stuff.

Which room would you hang the mirror ball in?

Child Amusement # 1

Mummy had a little melt down last night when she got her mobile phone bill, did not like the look of the $$ owing.

On checking further I found that it was generated by texts. I had exceeded my package limit by 261 texts, making a total of 761 for the month. Even the child was impressed, though it is nowhere near the 4000 she makes each month. I have also just discovered, painfully, that international texts are not included in the package, but don't worry International Lesbian, Ms Gotlucky and SweetJane it's not gonna stop me!!

Lesson learnt though, when making final arrangements for a big party night do it by email or land line.

Powerful Thoughts

As you go through life one finds that there are times when you need to make changes and hard decisions, and thus look around for information and help. Being the trash media slut that I am I first became aware of this "self help" industry through shows like Oprah, Ricky Lake etc, and we all know that Oprah's personal guru is Deepak Chopra.

After perusing this literature I found that most of it hovers between plain old common sense, and full blown religious spirituality cunningly disguised as finding and unleashing the power of the hidden spirit within. After much research I finally decided that the majority of the people writing this stuff have actually just discovered that they have a brain, and that if they use it to make well thought out positive decisions to change their life, rather than just behaving like a wet dish towel and letting all flow over, then life becomes a bit more interesting and vibrant.

I do admit that at times I am a positive affirmation chanter, along the lines of "Trinny and Suannah WILL return", "Trinny and Susannah WILL return", as just one example. The affirmation chants are usually done when I'm running, it's a rhythmic thing - while counting the beat 2 - 3 - 4 - 5, digressing.

So in light of a few things that have crossed my path lately I decided some positive affirmations were needed again so I started focusing on the dream and doing the chant. Me being me of course there are no half measures and at one point I thought I'd blown a gasket, but then realised it was just a sinus attack.

Well I must say that I am positively astounded at the success of my current wave of positivity, and I'm so inspired that I'm going to immediately apply it to other areas of my life. I have posted a wee picture below to show you how successful I have been.

Astounding!

NZM, read and weep!!

Bitch Slap

While putting in a multi user internet set up in a conference room this morning one of the laptops wouldn't connect. As I was sorting the issue I thought out loud, and said "I'll try another cable in case it's a cable problem". One of the delegates then said "oh, thats very clever of you to think of that". Implying, obviously, that he didn't expect a woman to think that.

I then had to resist the impulse to say to him rather scathingly, "when you've spent years setting up a 48 track recording studio with everything from digital equipment to a full orchestra, your pissy little 7 laptop set up is kindergarten level!" all the while making slapping sounds with my roll of gaffa tape.

And they wonder why more women don't take up trades.

Bliss Overload!

............Duffy, 4 rows from the front, centre block, premium seating.

Could there be a happier Lesbian on the planet!! And only 5 and a half months to wait, but you know how much I love playing the anticipation game...............

I Have Succumbed

........and not to media pressure, or political face slapping from those more motivated than I, but from the incessant nagging and texting of number 1 Daughter. I have now signed the orange piece of paper, put it in the envelope, thrown it in the letter box, and barring any odd disasters on it's way to it's destination I will soon be on the Electoral Roll. I do so hope I have managed to get the timing right and have missed the printing deadline.

This does not mean of course that I am going to vote as the "not going to, can't make me" principle still applies, but one did need to let the younger generation see that political pressure can bear results.

On a completely different note I am in a small haze of unpclesbian bliss, I can't believe it, it's all too much, House and Trinny and Susannah back on tv in the same week - hello sofa!

And as a completely random aside, the new running shoes have the first 10k on the clock, and it was back to throwing weights around last night. I am now the only woman at my gym lifting proper weights, and if the new batch of boys don't learn to get out of my way I may have to accidentally drop something.

More Saturday Night

To the young androgynous girl who started to chat to me on the dance floor very very late at night, you had short dark hair and were wearing a black top and jeans, oh, that's right, half the room was wearing that. You asked how my glass of bubbles was, then at the same time I fell off my shoes, damn girly heels, how do real women do it.

Anyway the bubbles had been fine, what I was allowed. Baby AV techie dyke had decided that I'd had enough (her story) and scoffed it all. However it was only glass number 3, and as you know I'd had to wait over 15 minutes for it while watching bar girl clean the bar surface and not serve customers. Please slap Baby AV techie dyke for me.

And, coooeeee Ms incomplete PhD Emily. If you've managed to remember the URL to get here, and judging by the virulent red colour of your drink that may have been a mission, yes, I lied. This blog is not full of lesbian erotica, but it was a good story at the time.

Big Night Out

Well my darlings, tonight is the night we've been looking forward to for a while, and since I know some of you will check in here before we go I think I need to voice some rules.

If it's after midnight and I start talking about just one little teeny weeny vodka red bull to help me along, the correct answer is NO.

If I start to look longingly at the lovely bottles of Cointreau and other yummy sticky things on the top shelf, please remind me of how ill I have been lately.

If I then try to negotiate vodka or tequila shots using the logic that it's International Lesbians birthday and I'm finally in the right time zone to join the celebrations, stern withering looks are to apply. (don't worry IL, I'll try REAL hard on that one!)

If I start to say, "oh what the hell, sleep is so over rated", I am to be removed immediately.

Otherwise, it's going to be a HUGE HOT night and I plan on spending as much time as possible on the dance floor. Also there is to be a fire poi show at midnight so make sure you are all there by then.........

Random Stats

200 punters on the floor and not one hot Lesbian amongst them. What are the odds of that then?

'Roid Rash

A kind reader has asked about my workouts of late. The reason there have been no gym updates is because there has been no gym. In the last six weeks I have been hammered on and off with the flu and it's infinite variations and residues. As soon as I feel better and manage a few days at work and a gentle run, wham back it hits. I have spent more time off work in September than at work.

I appear to be keeping my Doctors BMW running as well. I find it quite annoying to visit the Doctor and they say "if you're not feeling better by the end of the week come back". So back I duly trot only to be charged full price again. Hello, I paid you on Monday and you didn't fix me, why should I pay again, and again, and again.

I have now been on a long course of antibiotics and a short course of steroids, a week on leave and I'm almost feeling better, though still constantly amazed at how much mucous the human body can produce.

Besides the sudden growth in facial hair, and the odd desire to scratch my balls, I seem to have developed a rash on my right shoulder from the steroids, which of course I am totally bereft about. I have a Big Night Out on Saturday and my new skimpy piece of pink deliciousness to wear so I don't want any nasty looking ick's on my shoulder, and the redness of it clashes with my tattoo. I think I may have to invest in some of those baby mitten things to sleep in.

I of course am just bursting to get back to the gym or go for a run. I have my new running shoes to test out but so far all they get to do is sleep with me at night while I whisper lovingly "not long now, not long". I broached the subject of a workout with friends on Sunday but ended up promising solemnly not to do anything at all until all the medications are finished. I thought they were going to tie me to the chair. (swoon)

Not long now, not long.

The Final Chapter

So now we have the closing chapter on this current segment of the life of NSBG. She has requested a new acronym and all I can think of is her true name so from now she will be Ms Gotlucky.

Saturday evening she departed for Hong Kong and her new adventures with International Lesbian, though of course being Ms Gotlucky leaving couldn't be a smooth and simple exercise. I happened to be in town late that day and thought if I can get a park easily I will run in for a quick goodbye cuddle. As fate would have it there was a park at the front door, fate was needed.

I got up to her apartment at 5.10, knowing full well that the taxi was booked for 6.00. Her parents were there along with others. In the seven years I have known Ms Gotlucky it is the first time I have met her Mother, in that brief meeting so many things became crystal clear. However I digress. My first question was "have you packed?", to which the answer was "No!".

We then moved to the bedroom and attempted the task, and I can honestly say that by 5.35 all four suitcases were fully packed, International Lesbians notice boards all strapped for delivery, and I was busying myself reading the till dockets from the final shopping spree at D'Vice. I must say that is one business that is going to financially notice the departure of Ms Gotlucky from these shores.

I then had to leave to prepare for dinner guests, and left Ms G frantically searching for her flight ticket as she still wasn't 100 % sure of the times. Got home to find International Lesbian on line who agreed with me, why the 4 suitcases when all she really needed was her handbag, passport and of course the notice boards that one just CANNOT buy in Hong Kong.

And just realised, sorry Cactus, forgot to send a new supply of peanut slabs, oh well, maybe they'll share some of the D'Vice booty with you instead.

More Whitewash

A dear reader sent me a link to a poll on a major American lesbian blog where American lesbians have voted for their top 100 women, in the manner of Sports Illustrated et al.

The results of the poll are here. I must say that this just confirms the complete whitewash job being done on Americans and American lesbians if this is who they think are the hottest women of the year. You will see that 94% of them conform to one stereotypical image, and that is slim airbrushed Hollywood starlet. Is this truly what American lesbians want their women to look like?

There are only 4 images that even hint at gender bending, and from those I can now see why they think Ellen de Generes is "butch". They have also included what must be the worst picture ever of Jackie Warner. This woman has a hot body, tho a bit thin for my taste, yet the top 100 has a nasty facial close up.

But, BUT, the most upsetting thing of all is that the most absolutely totally HOTTEST American woman of all, the goddess Jillan Michaels is not on the list at all! Now I know that there are squillions of American lesbians out there who are interested in Jillian because this blog gets hammered by them daily searching to see if she is gay. 

So if you are all so deeply interested in her, why is she not on the list?

The Full Story

As you know in early August I had a wee trip to Auckland and a few adventures while I was there. One of the stories was about being treated very rudely at a stag party  by some paranoid women.  I can now tell you a few more details.

The stag party was being held for a "prominent lesbian media couple", and yes one must have their tongue firmly in cheek when reading that. The couple were to be unionised shortly after the party, I can't use the term civilised because, well, some were not very civil.

As they are such "famous" women they had sold their story to the New Idea, such a high class publication that it is, and when one of the couple found I was a blogger she feared I would write something that may jeopardise the story, cos, like, you know I'm so famous and well read and all that. However rather than approach me myself she sent X-men girl to do the job, who did it badly as X-men girl had no idea of what a blog was or even how to access one on her dial up connection. I must say though that the genuine media part of the couple, aka the news-reader, had no part in this drama at all and was very pleasant all evening.

So finally the story has been published in this weeks edition, but you will need to look at the hard copy to get the pictures, however here is the original story of the "engagement".  

One assumes then that "media" is obviously not a very lucrative industry.

Dear all current and future dinner dates,

Please take note that when the wining and dining section of the evening ends and I innocently suggest popping up to S & M's for a quick nightcap the correct answer is NO.

You know that once I get there I will start drinking hard liquor and then; play with the minds of the straight couples and let them think they're in luck, annoy the gay boys by winning on the pool table without sinking a ball, give my business card to inappropriate people cos they are clients who've been sprung, and take up far too much space on the dance floor when dancing with the boygirl.

The correct response is to remind me that now I am Madonna's age my body no longer processes alcohol at the rate it once did, and instead pour me into a taxi and tell me to go home.

Thank you

Unpclesbian

Tall Hot Butch

It seems I'm having a butch viewing week and this example of gorgeousness crossed my vision today, and no it's not the blonde I'm talking about!

You can find the full story here, though I do admit that the blonde doesn't look too bad in her combats.

NZM, this is your neck of the woods. Track her down for me! I've been a good girl, it's not too early for Christmas.

Happy Fathers Day....

......or "Beyond the L word # 2". A classic lesbian love story!!

As you know a few weeks ago I went on an apre ski trip to Taupo with a group of women, where an interesting time was had by all. On this trip NSBG and International Lesbian (yes I know, a new character, but I'm sure you can cope) fell instantly in love as only lesbians can. This fatal attraction caused a few reverberations around the group, due of course to the incestuous nature of lesbian society, but that is not part of this story.

International Lesbian then extended her time in NZ and came back to Wellington with NSBG via two nights at the Sperm Donors wedding venue. Airport closures meant they had to stay extra time in Taupo, and of course where else would one stay in those early heady lustful days. She then flew back to her home in Cactus country.

Six days later, as an unexpected surprise, International Lesbian turned up at my birthday party, which of course I was well pleased about as I love being surrounded by hot women. This surprise visit also meant that the meeting I had brokered between International Lesbian and Cactus had to be cancelled, which involved a Chinese national having to tell lies, Cactus being aware of this and thus having to resist the urge to make said Chinese national crumple. However I digress.

The day after my party was Fathers Day. NSBG had to meet with her barely ex husband that day to pick up the child, and when she did she and International Lesbian presented BeH with what must be one of the most interesting Fathers day proposals for quite some time, which was......

NSBG is moving to Hong Kong with International Lesbian and that BeH and child were to come too. International Lesbian had found an apartment in her block that they could live in, and everyone could move on to new lives. Apparently BeH was so gobsmacked that he had to tell the bartender at the venue what was going down, so some unknown bartender got to hear how this mans wife was moving off shore with her lesbian lover and taking her husband as well. Who needs better work stories.

Now I feel I must point out that all this decisive action and planning took place a mere 17 days after to two lovers hooked up, yet again proving the point I have made before , "what do lesbians do on their second date", move furniture in together!

However, in the last week I have found out that this is the second time that International Lesbian has met a woman while on holiday, packed her up and shifted her off to Hong Kong within the first two weeks. The last time she did it the relationship lasted for 4 years, which of course is 1 year longer that your average Lesbian relationship so as a modus operandi it seems to be an effective one.

I am saddened though as it means my highly amusing coffee dates, and over intoxicated party dates with the happy couple will be few and far between, but I do eagerly await to hear the tales of the life abroad.

Will I Succumb

I have been seduced by gorgeous piece of pink loveliness which I can't give you an image of because the stores website still has Winter 08 as their catalogue, however it is a double layer scrunched meshy thing which is going to go just brilliantly with Roisin Dubh.

While I was trying it on the shop assistant bought me some black trousers to try on with it. They were skinny trousers which at this point I don't wear. I do recall when flares came back in that I swore I was never going to wear them again, I crumpled after 6 months. So far I have not given into skinny jeans preferring slim boot flares.

However, this particular pair of trousers was made of a divine fabric, and when I put them on they fitted well, and, most shallowly of all were a size 10!! I have NEVER fitted size 10 trousers, plus they are a European label so they are a foreign size 10, not an NZ 10. I swooned! I was about to be seduced again when I looked properly and finally saw that they were about 2 inches too short. I don't think my ankle bones are meant to be showing.

I have been tempted. The "skinny" look trouser actually worked. I fear I may succumb soon to a pair, which of course is going to mean new shoes and accessories. Sometimes I should not be let out of the building.

And while I'm having a little rant about clothing I have found that a cool NZ fashion blogsite Blacklognz links to me. Now I just have to figure out how I can get them to supply me with clothes.

Needless to say I not done much revenue generating work today.

Easy Breezy Butch

Over the last week the American Lesbian blogs have been running with the story that Ellen de Generes has signed as the face of CoverGirl cosmetics.

This of course is all very modern and terribly niche market driven, and one should say "yay the sisterhood" but really it's just confirmation of the whitewash job being done on American society, the sanitation of Lesbian culture. First you have The L Word, which I admit I have never watched a full episode of, but have seen enough to view the perfect specimens of women portrayed, plus you have the Ellen show which dominates the talk show market.

These women are being portrayed as the acceptable face of lesbians, middle America is being lead to believe that this is what lesbians look like and live like, and the lesbians are getting excited and patting themselves on the back and saying their culture is finally being accepted by the masses. I don't think so!

Mainstream America is being lulled into a false image of your average lesbian. Ellen de Generes is being portrayed as butch, yup, that little blond thing below with the pink lippy is BUTCH.

Again, I DON'T THINK SO!

Funnily enough the subject and definition of butch and what it means to women is a regular dinner party topic in my house, though my personal specialist area is androgyny. Discussion can get quite heated at times, especially when one half of a couple realizes she is perceived as "butch", but doesn't see herself as such. Even though the consensus does seem to be that butch covers a wide range of perceptions, I am sure my chums will agree that Ellen de Generes is not butch.

Of course to justify that sweeping statement I do feel obliged to provide a specimen of true butch, and isn't she just divinely gorgeous.

I rest my case.

Sick Puppy

I'm too ill to blog, and I don't know why but as I write that the Dead Kennedys words "too drunk to fuck" come to mind. NEVER!!

I had to succumb and go to the Doctor yesterday, who promptly told me off for not having foreign animal cell matter pumped into me at the beginning of the flu season, sorry, I prefer the odds of maybe getting the flu. There I was thinking I was paying her for sympathy, though she did prescribe something to stop the nausea, so I can almost face food again.

I do have some tales to tell involving NSBG (who else) and a certain International Lesbian aka Hottest Woman Ever, and the worlds most interesting Fathers day present, but that will have to wait till the fog clears.

I will return......

Still not going to....

I have just now shaken hands with our future new Prime Minister. I escorted him on to the floor, got him some water in a clean shiny glass and settled him into the green room.

It's still not gonna make me vote!

Not going to....Can't make me

I spent Sunday afternoon having a long catch up with one of my guests as her flight wasn't till late afternoon. During the course of our chatter she informed me that she was a bit of technophobe, and had only recently got a cell phone because her children had bought it for her for Xmas. She said that she used the internet for banking and emails and that was all. This woman is in the final stages of her degree and confessed that she writes all her essays by hand then pays someone to type them up for her.

I of course then had to introduce her to the world of blog, so logged in and showed her what it was about. She started to look at this site then yelled at me in an alarmed manner "you don't vote!" She then started on a tirade about exercising my one democratic right blah blah blah, of course assuming that I had heard none of this before.

A tiny bit of background is needed here. I have known Ms W for many many years, 20 of which she spent living in London. When her relationship soured she packed up the children and moved back to NZ. She then bought a house, went on the benefit for her income and started doing her "women's studies" degree. Ms W will also tell you in great detail of her case worker at WINZ who has managed to get all of her tuition paid for so she doesn't have a student loan. This is a person who has not contributed to NZ taxes for over 20 years.

Like Ms W I am a single parent, however I work for my income, pay vast amounts in taxation and have paid off my student loan. So in my mind I am a fiscally contributing member of society and therefore I am supporting Ms W so she can eat and study.

I very gently explained to her that it is my democratic right to not vote if I so choose, and if I felt the need to voice my democratic right strongly I would, and have done in the past organising marches etc etc. She then tried to turn the debate to "what is my definition of a feminist?" (70's relic is the correct answer) and how oppressed women are in this country.

As I have good manners instilled in me, and have my Girl Guide badge to prove it, I deflected this line of discussion to less volatile topics all the while seething inside and wanting to say......what fukking right have you got to question me on my politics and feminist issues while you are a non contributing bludger off the state. It's women like you who perpetuate the freeloading benefit lifestyle that contributes to the "oppression" of women in this country.

Ms W fully thinks that when she has finished her degree she is going to walk into a policy job at Women's Affairs. THAT might inspire me to vote.

How Many....

Q: How many lesbians does it take to fix a broken heel on a boot?
A: 5

Q: How big does the hammer have to be to fix the boot?
A: The biggest you can find of course.

Q: How many days does it take for the owner of the boot to find that she has been out dancing and partying with her jeans hammered into her boot heel?
A: 3

Too funny, and jet lag is no excuse.......jet lust is though.

Cactus, when the peanut slab exchange finally takes place please thoroughly check this woman's attire.

More Evidence

More evidence that your average Lesbian is very very short.
















There was a pair of nine year olds at the party who spent the night in my bedroom, with a computer to play with and regular plates of party food. Apparently they told their Mothers that my room was was like a "Rock Stars" bedroom.

This of course fascinated me immensely and I had visions of the junior league fully appreciating the blue electric tulips and the pink fluffy accoutrement's, but sadly I find it's all to do with the ceiling, wardrobes and mirrors.

Must try harder.

Happy Birthday to Me

Happy birthday to me....Happy birthday to meeeeeee......Oh my, today is the actual day but all is ok, razor blades are safely locked away.

Happily I can say that I have not gone grey overnight, my breasts still hang ABOVE my waist, and as I have just discovered I can sneeze and stay dry. Life is good !!!

The party was a blast, and of course lots of gossip. Cactus, I don't think your 10am Wednesday morning meeting is going to make it, sorry, but she was a lovely unexpected visitor.

The few photo's I have got so far show that I appeared to have a breast obsession during the night and was captured observing several, starting with NSBG's.

I then got caught having a sneaky look at another pair, quite different dimensions and shape and so seldom fully on show that I had to make the most of it.

This was then followed by a pre going out check to make sure mine were in the correct position before going out the play on the dance floor with the 19 year olds.

We went and spent some time at S & M's, by that time I had progressed to Grand Marnier which for some reason always seems like a good idea at 2am. Oh, and a wee message to my darling fans out there....if you see me on the dance floor in the wee smalls it's really not a good time to come and gush and tell me how fabulous I am, my braincells are usually very much preoccupied with other things at that hour.

I eventually got home close to 3am to find that oldest and dearest with the help of number 1 daughter had cleaned everything up and left me a little caring treat of a jug of water, a clean glass and a vast slab of very alcoholic chocolate.

There is of course more to report but I am in severe need of coffee. To be continued......

Fashion Advice

A wee piece of fashion advice directed mainly at a delegate on the floor today.

If you are over 25 years old, and your BMI is well over 25, on no account should you wear a puff ball dress, and especially one where the "puffball" section ends mid calf.

However, the juxtaposition of the floral Nana print and high end fashion item is slightly interesting, it doesn't work, but it is interesting.

Dear Aunt Daisy

Dear Aunt Daisy,

I know you've been gone for a while, and out of print as well, but I've searched and searched the helpful hints in my copy of your bible and I can't find the answer anywhere. I'm sure you will know the answer, or if not then maybe Uncle Daisy will.

So, could you please tell me....how to get solder splatters off the carpet?

Lotsa love
Unpclesbian

Penance

I had a "Kylee" moment late last week, and yes only the inner circle will truly know what that means. However my penance for bending the ears (yet again) of my good friends was to turn up on the final day of the garden landscaping.

I had several tasks assigned to me, the first being to dig four bags of shit, oops, manure, through the new potato garden. I guess I should be grateful that I wasn't the one planting it.

The next assignment was to dig a large hole, the edge of which is bottom left in the picture. I dug a very nice hole, all tidy and square, but as I was doing it I had one of those instinctual thoughts being.....I bet they're gonna make me fill it in again as soon as I've finished. Yes, gut instinct correct every time, and this picture is of me filling the hole back in with a different material than I took out.

The final task was to then shovel about 2 semi trailers worth of dirt into a wheelbarrow and lay it all over the ground. I did get a wee reward after that, no not beer those bottles are empty, I got to play with the big concrete roller to flatten the dirt with. However, once I started smashing into the newly constructed raised vegetable gardens they took it off me, and I was only allowed the broom after that.

I am surprisingly ache free after my afternoon of forced hard labour, and I do admit that it was fun. And as said yesterday I forsee some many pleasant hours in the near future spent enjoying the fruits of every ones labour, including the fruits of the vine, and the fruits of the hops......